May 7th

Bed-Stuy here we come. A day picked arbitrarily. Hopefully auspicious.

Funny things slip into my head. What will my last meal be? The last sunset? The last man I sleep with in this town? I think that one is settled. The Israeli with the Boxter. 😬

Where shall I sleep that night? And how long before I am on my feet in Brooklyn? Will I ever feel secure or successful? Loved? Cared for? Mature? Established?

No one is making me move. If I wanted to, I could stay here a hundred years. With more than one roof over my head and my choice of bed at night. My choice of television. Of jewels. Of dresses and makeup and shoes.

Only it’s not the life I want anymore.

So discomfort and uncertainty it is. But it’s not all unknown is it? I know what I bring. I just don’t know what I want. I just pray that I’ll know when I know.

May I have a clear head, a brave heart, a strong will, a kind soul, and angels to surround me on my way. So when the thing worth getting presents itself, I am ready to rise to the occasion.

I’ve seen enough wasted days and nights. Let it be that all that lay ahead of me be fruitful, even if it’s just showing me what is outside the path.

I’d ask for friends, but it seems that I am fortunate in that regard. Not just in making friends, but in finding out they know one another, over the span of years and leagues and they were merely waiting for me to join them.

Courage I’d ask for, but when the rubber hits the road, have I ever lacked for that? If not courage, then give me introspection and discernment. To expend energy efficiently and expeditiously and not spin my wheels needlessly. I’ve wasted enough time.

I don’t ask for my heart to be shielded from pain. When you’ve spent as many mornings waking yourself with sobs as I once did, you learn not to fear heartbreak. But that I get to experience love, the kind that inspires song and smiles but also yearning with distance and satisfaction with distance bridged.

Skill, humor and deft ability I’ll need. Open doors. Make me humble that I may learn. Give me contemporaries and mentors and fans and opportunities. Recognition and success. I. Want. It. All. And I’ve got time to make up for.

Any above all, gratitude. For every day I wake in health and every night I sleep in comfort. For everything I earn and everything I’m gifted.

Peace. For now, peace. Forgiveness for the past to lighten my load.

Let it begin.

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