Pride Eve

I was gonna make a one minute video but I can’t because I wanna feel free to talk about what happened tonight and I can’t do that on Instagram because the person I met tonight is an Instagram person.

I went to a comedy show at Ant Fest. These chicks were awesome. Edit: one chick and one non-binary human being. I knew Julio Torres (latest obsession) was gonna be there, and I wanted to interview him. What I did not know was that Ana Fabrega (Los Espookys/Alternatinos) was also gonna be there. She was and we talked and my mind was just like, “Veneranda, this is why you moved to NYC. So you could have opportunities like this!”

Have you ever been to a show and felt rage because you weren’t the one on stage? I feel that pretty often. Not like a “how dare you” but more of a “why haven’t I had the guts to do this before” situation. Because I know that inside this head there are some really brilliant ideas. I know I’m capable of things I refuse to admit because I’m afraid of sounding like a lunatic. But I know in my heart of hearts that I can do it. I just need to get out there.

Imposter syndrome is real. So is that evergreen Mexican notion of “como te crees” and “culero” bullshit that I hear in my head constantly. Worst case scenario is that I fail. So what? I’ve failed at 9,999 things. Maybe this is the thing I succeed at.

I don’t feel alone. I had Michael and Hector and Steven and all my friends here. I feel like I’ve gotten to see them thrive. And maybe I can too.

If you’ve read this far, let me tell you the real deal. Tonight I forgot my phone at home. It could have been a nightmare or I could have come home and said, “Forget it,” but I didn’t. I explored NYC before cell phones were ubiquitous and I can do it now. I had to talk to strangers. I had to relax. I had to deal. I had to interact with people instead of just staring at my phone. Yes, Nathalia. And I managed.

On the taxi to karaoke in the east Village with Samy, I went through Times Square. It was Pride Eve. And I saw so many LBGTQ faces out there. I saw women run into the arms of men they hadn’t seen in years. Or what felt like years. I was so happy to be alive in this time. In this time when we are facing hardships we never thought we would encounter. On the heels of the Democratic debate. In times where reality is so very frightening. I felt hope. A hope grounded in the faces of people drawn to this place in this moment out of faith. Pilgrims from the four corners of the earth. What greater benediction than the communion of souls in such a corporate landscape? The juxtaposition made me feel alive.

And it buoyed me on a night so hot I could taste nothing but salt. I sweat out self-doubt. And I was baptized anew by the city I now call home.

Together At Last—Spike Einbinder and Amy Zimmer

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