We said if you don’t got Mojo Nixon then your store could use some fixin’

Hey there world, it’s me, Vene, you’re third favorite travel and shopping guide extraordinaire with some tips on how to make the best of a shopping trip to New York in in-climate weather.

Tonight I went to the world famous Macy’s, located in Manhattan’s own Herald Square, because it is technically a place where any human may enter to escape the rain between 10 a.m. and 10 p.m. daily. Any human at all.

If you’re ever there because of the rain and not because you are a tourist who enjoys walking slowly and invading people’s personal space while yelling wildly intimate things at full volume in your native language (it’s always Spanish, always) and you think no one else can understand you (we do…we all do…we’re all Hispanic in this store for some reason) there are a few tricks of the trade:

1) wear headphones: this not only makes you look inconspicuous and aloof but it also helps filter out the DJ over by the Vince Camuto section on the second floor who’s fist pumping to Drake’s “Kiki do you love me” in 2019 while repeatedly shouting into the mic, “Don’t forget to get your macarons, ladies. My man Josh is passing them out and they’re going fast!”

2) use the elevators. First of all, some floors have wooden escalators that, at any moment, will chew you up and kill you. This is not conjecture, it’s fact. Just ask Pía Zadora, star of stage and screen. Oh wait, you can’t. Because she was killed by a wooden escalator in 1994. And second, there is a 1 1/2 floor that you can only access with a secret map and a special talisman. Don’t try asking the employees at Macy’s to help. They are not paid to help you. They’re not even paid to ring your things up at the register. No, their job is to act busy and avoid responsibility. And they do a bang up job. Because this is New York…and Law and Order cannot keep every actor employed. It’s like a public service Macy’s provides to the creatives of the city. No, not SAG membership qualifying though.

3) speaking of cards, there’s a secret to getting a deal. It requires some of the aforementioned acting, so do your vocal warm ups before entering the store. I find that Gap located just down the street on Broadway is an excellent place to work out the pre-show jitters. Ok, so here’s the deal. Macy’s cashiers are obligated, when caught between pretending to fold polos and pretending to be consulting one another, to ask you if you want a Macy’s card. You have three choices:

• say yes and subject your credit to a blow and receive flyers for Macy’s sales up until you and all your descendents die and apes roam the earth speaking with affected British accents;

• say no and have a bad case of FOMO every time your aunt lords that Anne Klein sweater she got at Macy’s for $2.49 over you every holiday for the rest of your life; or

• say “I am not American. I have no Social Security number.” This option can be your best friend or your worst enemy. If said with the right accent, the sales associate is required to offer you an automatic 20% discount off the top. If done with the wrong skin tone/ethnic features, the sales associate will push a special button on the register that alerts INS who will then pick you up as you exit the store onto 34th St. and take you to a deportation camp never to be heard from again. Really the only way to find out is to try…the risk is high, but the rewards are plentiful.

Well, this concludes my top three tips for enjoying your visit to Macy’s Herald Square. Hopefully these tips will help you the next time you are near 34th and the heavens happen to open up. Have fun, and remember, if it’s at Macy’s it’s probably crap.

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