Where’ve all sensations gone?

I don’t have to be strong for anyone today. Pleasant for anyone. Kind to anyone. I don’t have it in me. Usually I can mask until I’m almost dead of exhaustion. But not today. It’s so ingrained in me to always put on a good front and seem happy even when I’m not.

I’m not gonna cheer up today. I’m going to just sit in this loneliness and maybe cry. And then at 2:30, I’ll have to muster the energy to engage in a video conference, which I hate.

I’m upping my hourly price again. Video conferences are agonizing. They sap my energy for days.

And I’m lonely. I probably unloaded too much on Tyler last night and it wasn’t fair and now I feel a little icky about it.

What, then, Vene, would change your mood and make you happy?

Who says my mood has to change? Who says that sitting with discomfort isn’t an integral part of the human experience? As long as I’m not self-indulgent or pulling anyone into my orbit of misery, it shouldn’t matter. I have to live with the consequences of my decisions.

And my decision is to sit in my room and eat pumpkin chia pancakes in the semi-dark.

If Mark Ronson needs me, I’ll be here.

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