Tyler: in pictures

So Ty is coming out with a new album and we’ve been talking about image. It’s not pertinent to him as an artist. It’s pertinent to him as a product for mass consumption. How he packages himself. So I critiqued his photos for him.

I can’t take him seriously. He’s a 25-year old curmudgeon. A very talented curmudgeon, but nevertheless a dorky Michigander who loves Cheers, extols the virtues of the Tigers baseball franchise, and drinks Vernor’s every chance he gets. But we need to get the people (girls who actually pay for music) to want to listen to him.

So let’s go down the list of Instagram Tyler, the artiste:

This kid doesn’t know if he’s serious or seriously Justin Bieber. Big thumbs up for the little girls.
Still cutesy…non-threatening.
This is the dirtbag your mother warned you about…so he’s sexy and a little dangerous.
This guy has tattoos…but he has glasses. So he’s an intellectual rocker. Probably read Burroughs. Probably uses words like “niche” and “ouvre.”
This guy is a grown man. He’s serious. He’s got things to say, but he’s hot, ya know?
This young Padawan is studying to be a Jedi…but might turn to the Dark Side. We just don’t know yet.
This guy has a broken heart. You could eat him with a spoon. A black emo spoon.
This guy is a hashtag musician. Look the word up in Webster’s and there his picture you will find. He books gigs. People leave their apartments and head to the East Village, pay a cover and buy overpriced beer just to hear him play. Women love him. Men want to be near him. He makes his grandmother proud.
I don’t even know this guy. He could be a young Kevin Corrigan in Goodfellas. I don’t know if I want to know him…
If a camera could capture your soul (jury’s still out on that one), this is a picture of Tyler’s.
This is the Tyler I know and love. Repping his love for the Tigers and mildly disappointed.
This Tyler I’ve yet to meet, but he seems like fun. He even might pay for a round of drinks…maybe.
Here we have the pensive professional producer. He’s kinda hot…I would swipe right on him…and he would have already swiped right on me…and then we’d go out and I’d be like…um, I’m definitely not cool enough to be in this conversation.
This guy owes his bookie money, but he’s working the angles. Odds are 2:1 he’ll end up with a broken leg and still keep betting on the Lions to win. He ain’t ever gonna learn.
Now this guy’s album I would check out. He’s mildly groovy but not in a way that makes it look like he’s trying too hard. Cool enough to peak curiosity, not so cool that he’s a bloated, pretentious douchebag.
Unlike this guy on a waterbed. This guy wanted to be a professional musician but ended up running a speaker/beeper/glass tinting shop in Cleveland. I really hope this night was fun.

There you have it, folks: the man (is he? hmmm…), the myth, the (soon to be) legend.

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