There she goes again

I made my 2021 list and got it in before the stroke of midnight on FB but I’ll repost here:

Before I forget, the wishlist for 2021. It’s a long one. But it won’t hurt to ask.

• I want to figure out a brand that I can market my work under, or at least the mode in which I’m going to start marketing actual art projects or public speaking projects.
• I want to keep growing and feel curiosity and have time to follow my curiosity where it leads.
• I want to be more diplomatic without losing my authenticity.
• I want to discover new art forms I’m not even aware of now or invent one myself.
• I want to create a figurative space for friends to feel safe and loved and cared for. I want it to be mutual. I’m not here for the sociopaths or the interminably needy.
• I want to be kinder to myself and stop wasting so much time feeling imposter syndrome. I want to be able to feel good about success.
• I want to enjoy people, talk less, listen more.
• I want to expand my network of friends.
• I want to take care of myself in every way so I can go the distance.
• I want to continue to be surprised by wonderful and magical things.
• I want to create things that touch others, make them feel something they didn’t know they could feel, make them feel seen for the first time, and shock them.
• I want to be successful enough in the things I love that I can spread the wealth to others, whether it be through employment or giving people chances to try their hand at their own creative pursuits.
• I want a soft place to land; someone who will get it and be a great partner…whether platonic or otherwise.
• I want to trust my intuition. I want to trust that I know what I’m doing. I want to trust that if I keep doing good and keep meeting life halfway that good will come of it.
• I would like, but do not require, a captivating romance that is new and different from any other I’ve ever experienced.
• I want a beautiful lace front, platinum blonde, center part wig that I can actually wear in public and not because of necessity.

Long term, where do I see myself? I think I would get married again (happy anniversary to me, January 3rd). I found these pictures in old Snapfish and Shutterfly accounts yesterday while looking for pictures of my dog Wicket:

Things were good at times. And I’ve worked on the parts of me that were really bad. I’m still working on them.

If I think back to 2016 going forward, there’s been exponential growth. I started from the molten core that bubbles away under rock bottom. At first I didn’t know how to control my imagination and I liked men way too much for any sign of affection. And then when the one I sort of liked was a dick, I snapped out of that pretty quickly.

Did I use guys to find things out about myself? Yes. No doubt. That’s not even something I have to think about. But those encounters were mutually beneficial. What I can see from looking backwards is that the guys with really tender hearts either backed away of their own volition, having seen something in me that scared them, or I treated them pretty carelessly.

But I kept learning and growing and dealing with my own insecurities. In the last relationship I had, I was slow to anger, communicative, generous, and really good to him. When I left, I knew I had done all I could to try. That the relationship was short lived didn’t matter. It was incredibly intense and my intuition was strong enough to tell me when to let go.

February 12, 2020. Right as Covid was brewing in the city. And then a year of no romantic relationships to distract me. I could go into the past and dissect all the relationships I kept in formaldehyde-filled jars. I saw what my role was. When I was blind or needy. When I didn’t listen to my intuition. When I didn’t listen to him. When I obsessed over every detail. When I felt unworthy.

I learned new things about myself that I hadn’t been able to understand before. I gave myself space to be. Just to exist. And what came out of that was someone who still gets confused. And she still gets misguided from time to time. But she’s hard to manipulate. And she’s incredibly loveable. She doesn’t have anything to prove in that regard.

I don’t count on who I am today. I count on who I will be, projected out into the future. When I was young, it was guaranteed. When I was in my 30’s, it was the one thing that terrified me the most. But now, it feeds my curiosity. I have to keep becoming. I have to submit to life the way I would to the right guy. I have to trust myself the way I would a partner. I have to love me with the same intensity and compassion I would offer him. That’s my job for 2021.

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