Here am I encased inside a hollow shell

February 12th. A year to the day since I broke up with J. I didn’t even flinch. Or look back. I patched things up…at least enough so that he sent me a YouTube video the other night about Zipf’s Law. It was interesting. And very apropos to stuff I’ve been thinking about.

A year. A whole year has passed without a crazy love affair. Crazy love affairs are my meat and potatoes. They’re what I live on. Even when I’m not actively in love with a real person, I can at least imagine being in love with someone. I have a great imagination.

I’ve been looking into astrology lately, just for kicks. I’ve never really felt a strong affinity for the whole thing. Never read my horoscope in Seventeen Magazine and thought it would come true. But in moving to NYC, it seemed like everyone had Co-Star so I downloaded the app and read it occasionally. Still, it didn’t mean much to me.

We had a blizzard last week, so I took an Adderall last Monday and deep dived into my birth chart, trying to make some sense of it. Since I think from bottom up to concept, I needed to test my results against someone I knew well. V fit the bill because 1. he doesn’t have any opinions on astrology either; 2. we share intellectual curiosity about stuff like this; and 3. I can trust him to be honest about his reactions to whatever information came out of the algorithm generated charts.

Turns out it was pretty spot on for both of us individually and also our compatibility. Astonishing, especially when I inputted everyone dear to me into the website and arbitrarily matched them up to view their compatibility. V and I had only good things like:

  • Favorable union of the minds. They speak to each other about things they never talk about to others.
  • The two may be too different to complement each other well, but they have a lot to teach one another if the individuals are open to learning.
  • They stimulate each other to be more creative and expressive. They learn a great deal from each other. They understand each other, like to discuss things with each other and undertake joint initiatives. Great intellectual understanding.
  • When trust is in place, they both will appreciate that their relationship is growth-oriented and far from a lifeless routine. Their feelings for each other evolve over time, and they learn from each other on an emotional level at every twist and turn. This fact is a treasure. The love they share is transforming in nature, so that they both feel renewed – almost like they are “new” people – through the relationship.
  • Each has confidence in the other. They are made to understand each other, they will help each other throughout life.

With everyone else there were conflicts. But between me and practically everyone, this same thing came up:

“An almost magical bond will unite them. Perfect harmony. There is something MORE to this relationship. It inspires the imagination, and there is a magical feeling of acceptance. There is much devotion here. Spiritual tenderness and romantic warmth between them. Their relationship encourages imagination in both people. This stems from an underlying acceptance of each other, which translates into the feeling that they are free to express their spiritual, imaginative sides without fear in each other’s presence. Unconditional love.”

Makes sense. I tend to love friends unconditionally, even when I’m mad at something they’ve done.

Today I looked up J’s and my compatibility. And just for laughs, Mark Ronson’s and my compatibility. Both were no bueno. With J and me, it was all about this overpowering sexual connection. But a lack of understanding. And with Mark, lucky for me that we won’t ever meet because that was all about jealousy and explosive fights.

But yeah, it’s been a year since I had anything going with anyone. V counts but he doesn’t count because the intensity and closeness of our relationship felt like it had the promise of something romantic when really we’re totally different kind of soulmates—and apparently for a Gemini, exchanges of ideas is where it’s at. Plus he told me that he snorted coke off of girls’ boobs when he was 21 and it totally ruined it for me. I can’t stand stuff like that.

I got ghosted tonight…by someone I’ve never even met. The action really deserves the least amount of stock possible to put into it. I barely knew anything about him. Only that he had some promise. Albanian, owner of a fashion company out of Italy. Studied law. Kind of overly effusive in the beginning. Not the guy, obviously. And maybe I’m not who I’m supposed to be yet either.

I have a vague picture of who would be enough for me to actually get dressed up and go out for. He’d have to be nothing less than spectacular. He’d have to love me as much as Tyler and Mikey and Emily and Maddie and Michael and Nicole. Because I know my worth. Short of that, I can’t be bothered. They make me feel safe and soothed. I saw this the other day and it felt especially true:

I did a deep dive into Gemini memes tonight. This one rang awfully true:

It’s true on both accounts. I am bored. And I’m incredibly picky. But, and this is just a hunch, I believe when I fall in love this time it’ll be forever. And unconditional. And that might not happen for a while. So I stay in my case. I just feel a bit…empty…is all.

Anyway, Happy Valentine’s Day.

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