I woke up this morning from my second dream about being a secret fighter in a revolution that takes place somewhere in Southeast Asia. I keep seeing a globe. But it’s drawn with the Indian Ocean as the center. I keep hearing the world Colombo but I know it’s not Sri Lanka. More like Singapore if it were bigger and had agricultural land. I don’t even know when these dreams take place because the clothes can’t be dated.

I wake up and a song is playing in my head: Lean On by Andy Shauf.

Winter is coming in through the closed doors
I have been waiting for this
Summer will go and will make room for snow
Start getting ready for the cold

If I am the wintertime, then you are the spring
You’re always full of new colors
I’ll take the leaves off of every single tree
And you’ll always beautifully recover

If I was stronger than I’ve ever been
Would you stay here by my side?
Or would you think since I’m now stronger a man
That I don’t need someone to lean on?

Well I think the strong man needs somewhere to lean
I think he gets a little tired
Then we emphasize strong, and we leave off the man
Strong is only part of the title

And so winter is coming in through the closed doors
I know you’ve been dreading this
We’re losing our warmth
And we’re losing our freedom
But we can get by if we’ve someone to lean on

I’ve been feeling unloveable this week. Not like people will never love me. I know they do. But I think I’m friend loved. Not loved by someone in a romantic way. Maybe this is good because I’d run away from anyone who showed romantic interest in me. But I feel incomplete. It’s ridiculous.

I feel like an ice queen. And I just want to be able to melt into someone for a little while.

I can’t imagine being loved like that. Letting my guard down. I wouldn’t know how to let down my guard anyway.

I read last night about Liliths or black moons. Mine’s in Leo. Like I needed any more confirmation that I’m a narcissist in constant search of external validation.

My birth chart reads like a cliché: ambitious, charismatic, witty, distaste for the superficial, creative, no ability to handle money, doesn’t seek the spotlight, likely to become famous, difficulty in love.

Also, Elon Musk came out on SNL last night saying had “Aspergers.” Uuuuuuuugh. And that he is the first Aspergian host. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

No he’s not. It’s Dan Aykroyd. There are lots of funny autistics. I wish Elon would do what his self-driven Tesla’s won’t, and stay in his lane.