Today I don’t feel like doing anything

I was listening to Talib Kweli’s podcast featuring Fat Joe yesterday. Fat Joe talked about having to sit in jail for four months and how it forced him to sit with his thoughts.

My inclination when something is wrong is to “do.”
Think my way out of a problem. Act. Shop. Build. Cook. Activity is my way of dealing with things. I look for solutions.

Sometimes there are no solutions though and I feel my brain trying to find them. Sometimes the answer is to wait, to observe, to be patient, to delay gratification (in the sense of a solution).

This is the lesson that is hardest to learn. Covid was all the more difficult for so many to bear because it stopped the grind and suddenly people had to sit with their thoughts. As the joke goes, they decided instead to make bread.

I kept busy in 2020. Tiny pulses. Lots of creative work. Learning was my “doing.” Writing too.

But what do you do when you’re dealing with illness that deprives you of mental faculties? Only then was I really presented with the challenge of not doing. I can’t fix everything. I just have to let the iron IVs do their jobs for now. Answers will come when they come.

Agitation and anger keep me alive. But they work against the greater purpose of thriving. How to strike a balance that lets me rest and heal? The answer might be found in silence and patience. A leap of faith. A test.

Oh Michael, You Devil.

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