Just a couple of thoughts. Unrelated.
1. It’s fun being charismatic and commanding attention. What’s not great is when you’re around others who really desire attention. They want people to hang on their words but they aren’t charismatic. You can feel them wanting what you possess. It’s even worse when they’re in the conversation and the other person just ignores them and focuses on you. That happened on Friday night a couple of times. If I were more with it, I’d recenter the conversation to pull others back in, but it already requires so much energy just to be witty and make eye contact. I can’t do the heavy lifting for others who can’t do it for themselves. Not aaaaaaall the time at least.
I just don’t want to be resented because this happens.
2. Sometimes, and I don’t know why, I see things happening way before they’ve happened. I don’t see when or how or what it will look like. I just know that at some point it will happen. I knew I’d sleep with V two years before it happened. And now I know I’m going to sleep with someone else. I don’t know for sure, but it popped into my head not as a desire, just a realization and a resignation. I think I saw it in November 2020. Could I stop it? Not sure. I could delay it. I could submarine it. But it’s not really a big deal because it’s got nothing to do with the price of tea in China. It’ll happen and then it will have happened. As long as I know that now I don’t have to get all up in my head about it.
3. Travis says I remind him of his sister who’s an actual witch. I like teasing him the way I used to tease Adrian when he was little. But I also kiss him on the top of his head and tell him he can hit me up whenever. And I pray for him. I wouldn’t tell him that. I don’t think it would mean anything to him and it might even feel like an insult. It’s weird how I can care for someone when we’re not even very close. I just know that the night I met him my heart swelled. I hope it never feels oppressive.
As for Adrian, I’ll wait until he’s an adult and then reach out. I’ve been saying this for about five years. I’m not interfering in his life or Margot’s. If I told you how much that breaks my heart to not have him in my life it would break your heart just to hear it.
4. Last night I just chilled (sweated is more like it) with a bowl of ramen and Sam Cooke. Top Ramen with an egg whisked in at the end and some frozen veggies. I sang along. Then to Al Green and Stevie Wonder. I didn’t get to Teddy Pendergrass or Otis. But I played The Supremes…”Can’t Hurry Love” and “Love Child.” My sisters would tell you this is torture under the Geneva Convention to have to listen to me sing. But I’m paying a premium to live alone right now so it’s just me.
5. My birthday is in nine days. An arbitrary day but good as any other to reflect and decide what I want to take into the future with me. Mikey said he would make a lasagna (ricotta, not béchamel because we know better). There’s a 37% chance it will actually happen, but it’s nice to know he cares.
6. Emily is slogging through the Tribeca Film Festival. I get her back at the end of June. We’re going to see The Lemon Twigs at Elsewhere on August 18th.
7. Nicole is in Chicago experiencing the same things I experienced in 2017 and 2018 when I was exploring NYC. I love it. And I’m so very, very grateful that I’ve got her in my life. I hope she comes for a visit so we can riff over nachos.
8. I have to think of fun things to do with Jon when he comes to stay for two months. He got us ticket to Andy Shauf, which makes my heart swell. He’ll probably be busking or maybe not. But it should be good times.