I can’t write honestly right now and it’s killing meeeeeeeee
and taking controooll.
But honestly, I’m so mixed up in my head that all I can muster is staring at the ceiling fan. It feels like love. But it’s spread out over several people. And I have no idea if it’s requited.
I’m throwing up Red Herrings left and right because I don’t want to get found out for what’s really going on. There are bluffs and double bluffs and evasions and charades.
What I wish for is someone new to erase all the current goings on and make things solid and sturdy. I want to feel grounded.
I want someone to break through the facade and see me as clearly as I see everyone. Not because I’m invisible. And not because I’m deceitful. But because I hide so much of who I am. I am too much. I am overwhelming.
Mikey told me last night that he worried when we were newish friends because nothing slips my notice. He didn’t know if he made a misstep. As though I were judging him. I wasn’t. I just have this ability to open the aperture on the lens so wide that I can encompass the whole of a person. To the point where I know them. And some people don’t want to be known.
No one is capable of that with me, really. I think they buy the act. They don’t get how painful it is to be me. How my heart aches at beauty and sorrow and sometimes sorrowful beauty and beautiful sorrow. I’m so keenly sensitive in every way that I’d be a gaping wound if I didn’t shield myself in armor.
Men don’t fall in love with a wit. They get momentarily stunned by it, sure. But they don’t fall in love with me.
Not that I have much to complain about. J takes care of some needs. The Israeli takes care of my desire to pine for someone enough to write. The guys in Crown Heights…Mikey, Nikola, Travis, Tyler…I think they love me in their own ways.
But the paradox is that I seem self-sufficient when I’m really not. And guys want a girl who is going to need them. I am needful. Not needy. But I can’t let it show. For the right person, it wouldn’t be a problem.
If this be some unknown pathology, I don’t know what it is. All I can say is that I want to be wanted by someone who can see through defenses and not be overwhelmed by what is exposed. I want to be worthy of someone with that kind of perception. And to be loved most ardently. At least once in my life.
What I want is hope. I want someone to believe in me. I’m not sure I’ve got much in the way of substance right now. And I’m more than a little bit terrified. I won’t be attracting what I want until that feeling gets settled. Right now I’m just squirming to get out of a trap and locking it down tighter.