This morning I woke up to good news and not so great news.
The good news was that a financial investment I made paid off quadruple.
The other news was Michael sending me a Page Six article on Mark Ronson’s upcoming wedding.
Just kidding. It doesn’t affect me one way or another.
Mark’s a running gag. I was never really in love with him. He was an avatar. A way for me to explore things in a safe way. Like an imaginary friend who teaches me stuff. It got me through these really lonely times in a healthy way. If I didn’t have any real friends to talk to, well, there was always Mark.
You can call it delusional. I call it a high creative index. I can create entire worlds.
As a writer, if I can visualize the audience I’m writing to, my writing gets better. If I think about it, the writer’s block isn’t about not having anything to write about. It’s about not having anyone to write TO.
For the past few years, there have been a few guys who have been my imaginary audiences. If I can visualize them, the voice gets locked in and the story just falls into place without a lot of effort. It sort of get birthed complete.
The stories I need to write lately won’t come out because I don’t know who would want to hear them. They’re painful. I need to get them out. But my fear is that I won’t be loveable afterwards.
I have to let that go. I have to give myself permission to write it all, perform it all, teach it all.