I don’t have a strong sense of what’s going on out there in the world. I fundamentally don’t understand a lot. I end up filling in gaps of knowledge by listening and then putting things together. I’m surprised by facts that everyone takes for granted all the time.
When truth does finally reveal itself I feel naive and vulnerable. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. How am I CONSTANTLY the last person to know and what I did I reveal when I was in the dark? How do I recover without revealing more ignorance? How do I stop the bleeding?
That composites into sense of self that is untrustworthy. The world can get scary very fast. And I can get so angry and reactive in it when I don’t feel safe.
But then there are things I can count on like pi to a thousand places. I know who loves me. I know who loves them. I know enough to weave together a net to catch me if I fall. And because I feel safe there in that physical place, I’m able to learn lessons and build on intuition. Sometimes what I sense is proven in days. Sometimes it takes years. I’m not a patient person. I’m not waiting around in the meantime to see myself proven right. I spend a lot of time just doubting everything I feel.
Last night I got this longitudinal view of how things work over someone’s lifetime. Mikey put in the time in Crown Heights. He built something. People gushed all night about him. Their faces softened. They held our hands and hugged us. Me…just for being associated with Mikey. All night. Even the bodega guy.
So this morning (it’s 1:52, but it’s morning to me), I don’t have to know everything. I don’t even have to know most things. I know pi to a thousand places because I love Mikey.