Father figure

Andrea helped me work something out last night, which is reason of itself to go out on a Wednesday, even if the night looks like it holds no promise.

I went out on a date two nights ago with a guy who in 2017 would have appeared fascinating to me. Persian. Tech guy. Makes good money. Bicoastal. Burner (Burning Man attendee). Starting to dabble in spiritual awakening, psychedelics, art, beats…maybe this guy would have made me cringe a bit.

He comes from faded glory gentry, like me. He grew up surrounded by rich people who idolized superficial trappings of wealth like me. He wants more from life with less. Real connections. He’s a seeker.

He’s been married. He’s more man than boy. But he can be spontaneous. He thinks I’m groovy. He says the things that guys like to say…that I make time disappear. That my eyes do this thing to them to make them want me. And that they’re turned on by how smart I am. And then all the sex stuff they say that feels sincere enough.

All good. The me I was 5 years ago would have been bowled over by all of this.

But me now says this guy has nothing to teach me. Everything he said, I was already five steps ahead, and it kept throwing him off that he didn’t have to explain. Everything he wants for himself, I’m actively living in. Everything he’s exploring and realizing, I already figured out.

And what that means, I think, is that my interest lies in people who are going to force me to grow. The men in my life all did that. I revered something in them and then incorporated it and became it myself.

I’m not looking for companionship or comfort in someone. I’m looking for an existential level up. A foothold into new worlds I can explore. For that, my curiosity has to be piqued. I want teachers for partners. Not mansplainers or Pygmalions.

That’s a needle in a haystack even in a nutrient rich environment like NYC. I need to cast my net wider. If this person is alive in this time, they’re probably not in this place. They’re doing something unconventional somewhere else or with someone else.

In the meantime, I have these loves of my life who teach me things. Sometimes explicitly. And sometimes by us playing our roles until I break frustrating cycles and become a better, stronger me.

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