On a night when all I want to do is cry, I take a few mushrooms and start playing lullabies, working on a playlist for a little girl far away across the continent, who by force of will, will be the love of her father’s life.

I start praying to Chopin. Prayer comes when I can close my eyes and lift my spirit up until I smile. When I smile and pray, I can feel the energy…pink, purple, blue…the colors of twilight…bring calm and warmth to my intended recipient. I sometimes pray when someone is talking to me. So that I may hear them. So they may feel heard.

I want to be that source of calm, of transmutation, of understanding, of healing. I have to be it for myself right now. That’s not an easy task.

I will close my eyes and fall asleep to Debussy and Fauré under my weighted blanket.

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