Don’t Cha Come Back No More

When you have autism, sometimes your feelings come before you name them. I can spend three days figuring out what’s going on, pinging off of known emotions and going through movies and songs, before I actually do.

I don’t like it when people disappear and come back and disappear and come back. That’s really what it is. I’ve had enough people do that. It feels awful.

I want stability. Predictability. I don’t want to be worrying that someone might drop out. Or that someone might pop up. I used to think that was ok and even a bit exciting.

Now if you’re gone, I want you to stay gone. Don’t come back with apologies or excuses. Don’t try to woo me. Don’t try to explain or tell me you’re just human and you’re trying to learn. Don’t tell me how much you need me and how long it took you to realize it. Don’t act as if you deserve a place at the table. Don’t make it my responsibility to make your presence welcome after you left and didn’t give a damn about hurting me.

Just stay gone. Please.

I’ve been so upset these past few days. My stomach hurt like something bad was coming. It finally hit me what I was feeling. It’s such a relief to be able to name the thing.

Roy, Tyler, Samy…every guy who drops in and out of my life…just stay away. Out of my past. Out of my present. Out of my future.

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