It wears me out

Two people explained a concept to me in different ways this weekend and it’s been helpful.

I get very strong indicators of a person when I meet them. I know things about them within the first five minutes.

Some people feel deceitful immediately. They feel dangerous. But I’m the only one who sees it. My whole body just says NOPE! Well, sometime it says, “Ew.”

I would describe these people as having “PICK ME” energy. They’re always trying to command attention for attention’s sake. They think they’re brilliant or witty. They have strong opinions. They’re bombastic. They act quirky. They’re loud and vulgar. They bring up trauma inappropriately. They cry in front of everyone. They turn every conversation into something about themselves. They feel fake, rehearsed, slightly malevolent, and overall sociopathic. It’s all me me me me me. They’re exhausting.

(I just realized I’m describing 90% of the comedy/storytelling/acting/musician scene.)

I didn’t always have this awareness. It started when I was 36.

Pat said authentic people are rare. And that I’m seeing the outside and the inside and they don’t match. So it *feels* like a lie. They’re not actually lying. They’re just unaware and not integrated.

I told Asani that the feeling I get is that these people never got souls. Asani said they’re NPCs: Non-player characters. The people walking around in the background in video games with no purpose but to take up space and say the same thing over and over again. Like in Westworld.

Why do they feel dangerous? It’s an evil eye thing. They want what they can’t have. And if they can’t take it, they’ll just inflict collateral damage to call it victory.

How do you live in a world among them when they outnumber us 50 to 1? And when everyone around you either pretends not to notice or actually doesn’t notice this sort of stuff?

Pat’s technique for dealing with them comes from ikedo. You can see the damage they will inflict and you let them inflict it, just not to you. Asani’s technique is to mirror energy and be as vapid and unkind back to them til they feel the ick.

I’m getting better at sidestepping them or making them aware that I’m not interested. I’ll let them think they’re rejecting me.

Look, I’m not sure I’d want to hang out in a room filled with enlightened beings. I just want to be in a room where I’m learning instead of dodging these energy vampires. To the outside world it looks like I’m a smug bitch. I can live with that. I’ve been called a smug bitch since I was a clueless autistic kid with no social skills and an inability to recognize faces. At least now it’s a choice.

Ultimately I would like to maneuver these situations with deftness and grace. It’s hard when I want to protect safe spaces and these knuckleheads keep showing up.

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