Goodbye Earl

I’ve been trying to exorcise this ghost for a year. I got rid of WhatsApp. I blocked his number. He got a new phone to be able to call me. I blocked that too. He found me on Facebook Messenger. I blocked him on that. I wrote a story that I liked and I wanted […]

My baby takes the morning train

Tyler and I got to talking on Friday about his brothers and their relationships. The responsibility they take and the roles they play. The enigmas that exist. How the outside brother in whatever iteration can never really understand how the other two get along so well and what bonds them. Nikola talks about his brothers […]

Let’s hear it for the boy

It’s 4:38. I’ve just gotten home and taken my sleeping pill. Let’s see what I bang out before sleepy time. I have a beach date tomorrow and I’ve gotta be bright eyed and bushy tailed. I was *supposed* to go dancing tonight. I cut my hair. Got dolled up. Put on a face. But I […]

On the way

Stuff I talked about with Tyler yesterday while hanging around the LES (non-exhaustive list): • John Steinbeck’s letter writing• museums and memorials in the D.C. area• Rage Against The Machine• what it’s like to be queen of a mental hospital ward• Revel scooters• brother stuff• band stuff• movies• my writing• Samuel Fuller Stuff I refused […]

Last train

City night. I went to see this old film called The Swimmer at Metrograph on Ludlow. Beautiful modern theater with a balcony. The film is based on a short story by John Cheever. It stars Burt Lancaster as this golden god who gets toppled. People laughed at things that weren’t meant to be funny. The […]

I am free

A lot of people I love dearly have never been head over heels in love. They ask me what it feels like. I explain it in terms of neurotransmitters. Serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin. How each of those feel independently. I explain it in colors. In the feeling in being enveloped in a weighted blanket. Of floating […]

I feel for you

Last night Caithlin and I ended up talking with two different men at different times out by the beach. The first was a Jamaican named Treasure (not his real name). Big time flirt. He said he’d seen me before. It wasn’t a line. He had seen me before but I didn’t let on. It was […]

I’m happiest when…

It’s after close at Barbs. Nikola is behind the bar playing afro beats. Travis, Ritchie and I are on the other side. Travis asks Nikola to play “Happiness” by The 1975. He’s been listening on headphones all night. Nikola cues it up. It sounds so good. I’ve only heard it on my computer up to […]

Little white lies

Until this very moment I thought I’d lied to him, letting him think he was the first. But I’m not even sure he asked. And even if I had lied, he should have known the truth afterwards. Instead, he jumped off the loft bed and started flexing his muscles in the mirror on the door […]