Blurring truth and fiction since five minutes ago.
https://youtu.be/g9N1BUV8d40 (2017)I miss Día De Los Muertos in Tucson. I used to make own headbands. It was an important part of my life in my 30’s. My grandmother used to clean the graves of loved ones in Nogales, Arizona during this time of year. It wasn’t a concocted affair. It was very authentic to who … Continue reading Mexico lindo y querido: Day of The Dead (Día de los muertos)
https://youtu.be/9TlBTPITo1I I actually do have an idea for a screenplay that I think could work. I don’t know how other writers get their ideas, but mine come from replaying conversations in my head, sifting through the details of someone’s life from what they’ve told me, consciously or subconsciously, and then expanding into fantasy. Even before … Continue reading Think of me what you will, I’ve got a little space to fill
https://youtu.be/ARAJrxDiasY I finished The Queen’s Gambit. I loved it. I don’t know about chess, but it was engaging. I didn’t sleep well last night. Nothing happened to make me lose sleep. I just couldn’t, even medicated. In the morning, feeling the old cortisol surge through my body from the physical stress, I opened my laptop … Continue reading In times when we don’t know
https://youtu.be/2ZBtPf7FOoM When Anne of Green Gables was young, more than anything, she wanted three things: to find kindred, to beat Gilbert Blythe, and for her vibrant red hair to mellow into a more refined Auburn. One of the major themes in this series I’m watching is the isolation that genius brings—the burden that must come … Continue reading Killer Queen: The Queen’s Gambit and the price of genius
https://youtu.be/csATriX8Ed0 This is the worst song ever manufactured for a fake band to sing for a spin off of Melrose Place. And one of the myriad of moments where I knew I was in the wrong crowd was when I had to work out to this song at cheer camp and the instructor said it … Continue reading How do you talk to an angel…of doom?
So Ty is coming out with a new album and we’ve been talking about image. It’s not pertinent to him as an artist. It’s pertinent to him as a product for mass consumption. How he packages himself. So I critiqued his photos for him. I can’t take him seriously. He’s a 25-year old curmudgeon. A … Continue reading Tyler: in pictures
https://youtu.be/DtVBCG6ThDk Miki (otherwise known as the Observant Israeli) came over today and we just hung out for seven hours. We used to...em... but today were just talking and drinking tea. Tomorrow’s his birthday. He came over agitated, but like most boys who hang out in my room for hours on end, he left happy. And … Continue reading I’m not the man they think I am at home
Weekday mornings bring about clarity and vulnerability. I am too honest. And there is a beast inside me that roars. She is protecting me as I come out of my nightly metamorphosis while my new wings are still too wet to fly. It’s why I don’t talk to people in the morning. If they set … Continue reading A second thought
https://youtu.be/AZJSjrox_2s If you want to summon your soulmate, just say the two words: pot roast. Maddie read those words and zoomed on over last night, which is to say she left her apartment, returned for stuff she forgot, then went to a wine shop and then a thrift store and then came to my place. … Continue reading Pure moods
Just in case ya need something on the road...part of a little list I've been keeping.MUSIC: Khruangbin (Pichfork Live--Chill stuff)Quantic (Vinyl Set--Chill stuff, mostly in Spanish)Cinema Paradiso (Apple Music) (Ennio Morricone..c'mon, now)Wes Anderson Film Playlist (Apple Music) (Just stuff from his various films)The End of the Fucking World Playlist (Apple Music) (I like it...so sue … Continue reading Westward ho!
https://youtu.be/J30tQxAkvPY I’m watching a scary movie in the middle of a rainy day, in flannel pajamas. It’s The Haunting of Bly House, which is an adaptation of The Turn Of The Screw. I don’t know how the original story goes and I’m not all the way through it yet, but I have an inkling that … Continue reading Everything’s alright
https://youtu.be/ySmqm2Iik48 One of the things it took me to get this far (in life) was the assistance of allies. Specifically badass chicks who gave no fucks. They took me in out of kindness. I didn’t threaten them like I do most women. Most women don’t know what to do with me. I’m too straightforward, which … Continue reading I’ll be the hero you’ve been dreaming of
https://youtu.be/Itn438i30hk Ok, Vene, the electrical storm has passed and you had some clarity. So get this down and come back here the next time. Your depression doesn’t come often, but when it does, it feels like mild agitation at first that cascades, snowballs, accumulates exponentially into anger at the whole world and everybody in it. … Continue reading No, you just have to wait
28 and 2/3A poem about the Pioneer Hotel fire December 19, 1970There's a party going on upstairsI figure I'll score a couple of drinksAnd escape with everyone unawares It's cold in the Old Pueblo tonightChristmas revelers smoke and they drinkThe danger is lurking all aroundBut it's me who'll end up in the clink Chorus:From fire … Continue reading Not the best poem, but I tried
If you were watching 60 Minutes last night, you might have caught Anderson Cooper's segment on companies seeking out potential employees with autism. I wasn't watching, but by night's end, word had gotten back to me from all over the country from people who had. Why did they contact me? Because 1) I am autistic; … Continue reading 60 Minutes: employees with Autism, Anderson Cooper and me…a diversity and inclusion speaker
https://youtu.be/RZ2oXzrnti4 When I'm down, the way I am now, I look exhaustively for tiny discoveries of hope, usually couched in some artistic expression just existing out there in some corner of the universe, waiting to connect with me. Someone else felt this too. Someone else needed to say these things. You are not alone. How … Continue reading Ghost Town
There are noses to be considered. Lips to be coveted. Eyes to be adored. Hair to be admired. Chests to be explored. Voices which might induce hearts to quake.But then there are nail beds. Sturdy hands elongated by fingertips capped with perfect nails. I could tell you half a dozen things about a man by … Continue reading Gratium manibus
https://youtu.be/AR8D2yqgQ1U If I just stare at the blocks on my quilt, fuschia flowers embroidered on yellow backgrounds, the year could be 2020 or 2004. It hasn’t aged in all the time I’ve had it. Still bright and cheery. Perfect for a wedding gift. $300. I never expected anyone to buy it for me; it was … Continue reading I know this much is true
I don't have to be strong for anyone today. Pleasant for anyone. Kind to anyone. I don't have it in me. Usually I can mask until I'm almost dead of exhaustion. But not today. It's so ingrained in me to always put on a good front and seem happy even when I'm not. I'm not … Continue reading Where’ve all sensations gone?
https://youtu.be/vUSzL2leaFM Tyler and I got to talking tonight about love. Not about us...we're just nerdy friends who get together to talk about nerdy stuff (tonight it was Mexican music and Atlantis and James Burke and boredom as the spark of invention). No this was about what love...or what romantic love...is supposed to feel like for … Continue reading Wonderful tonight
We've gone through a whole wheelhouse of emotion during Covid. In February we had the medical professionals telling us not to worry. The flu was much more dangerous. Well-intentioned on their part, but based on very little information. They admitted they were wrong later, but, in typical medical professional fashion, they were arrogant about what … Continue reading No one gets off scott free
https://youtu.be/kNEIFtRG3Z4 Such silly, little imposters, words. A grey sky is not a grey sky. And no amount of artistry or craft can convey the experience. For you to know what is in my head, words will never suffice. They paint only a mere approximation. It’s lonely to know that no one might ever really know … Continue reading Sincerity is scary
I’m watching a French documentary on the lives of Les Grandes Horizontales...cocottes...courtesans...prostitutes. I couldn’t tell you why, but I think if we do recycle souls, then I’ve been a nun, a homosexual converso and a French prostitute. All outsiders. All unconventional. All people who had to find a love outside the realm of normalcy. Last … Continue reading It’s just a silly phase I’m going through
https://youtu.be/_Pgnr6_5jLQ In all things I am inconstant. My mood vacillates from extreme to extreme. I am capricious. I crave attention, and when it eludes me, I am petulant. But when it comes in spades, I recede from view.I disabled Instagram today after seeing that my posts have been viewed many times over in the past … Continue reading Baby, won’t you let me have a little time to hide?
https://youtu.be/wGM6N0qXeu4 I got a seasonal job working at Williams-Sonoma in 2013. I thought it could be fun. I’d never worked retail and every job I’d had up until then had been more mental than physical. I didn’t know retail wasn’t cute. I’d bought into hype that retailers pawn off on customers as the store experience. … Continue reading Spaceship
They were young once. Blood coursed through their veins. Air through their lungs. They had passions and fears. What were they thinking about? What did they want most? And did they ever get it? Did posing liberate them? Condemn them? Or were they already wanton and discarded? Did the men who touched them ever feel … Continue reading Who’s that girl?
By Dorothy Parker The Playful flapper here we see,The fairest of the fair.She's not what Grandma used to be, --You might say, au contraire.Her girlish ways may make a stir,Her manners cause a scene,But there is no more harm in herThan in a submarine. She nightly knocks for many a goalThe usual dancing men.Her speed … Continue reading The Flapper
I have to write this because it's been plaguing me for some time now and I think I finally understand why.I have very strong intuition. I can meet someone once and have a pretty good read on them. I'm not right 100% of the time, but it at least steers me away from people who … Continue reading The time to hesitate is through
I've waited so long to watch Episode IX. Why? Not because I heard it was bad, but because I'd finally have to say goodbye to Carrie. On December 25th, 2016, I spent the night at the Golden Nugget in Tucson, singing karaoke with newish friends and eating Domino's pizza I'd ordered to the bar. It … Continue reading Scruffy lookin’ nerf herder
Gender reveal parties, aside from being incindiary, are performative, right? They’re done for the Gram. Remember flash mob proposals? Done for YouTube? Or just obnoxious engagement rings in general? (For the record, mine was semi-obnoxious but it came with its own ‘fuck you’ in that the stone was fake because the diamond industry is a … Continue reading Video killed the radio star
https://youtu.be/QUQsqBqxoR4 I am not the sum total of my trauma. Most days I can walk around divorced of its implications that once kept me from living a full life. But today I just need to talk. And I am sorry for bringing it up again, but the only way out is through.I'm watching Edith Wharton's … Continue reading Or you can start speaking up
I’m going to walk you through all the awkwardness of something pretty standard that will wipe me of four days’ energy. I’m at Planned Parenthood. Waiting for a cancer screening and STD test. Annual stuff that’s anxiety inducing and none too fun. But that’s just the very end. Before that, I have to sit in … Continue reading My Poor Brain
Ownership of information is the exercise of overdeveloped egos. The need to possess things, even intangible things like obscure references and deep cuts, comes from deep seeded insecurity. It is not remarkable to hold vast quantities of data. We have technology that puts everything in the hands of anyone nowadays. But understanding? Curiosity? Connection with … Continue reading I’m lost in the supermarket
I’ve neglected you, dear reader, of late. I’ve been spending the past few weeks creating Instagram stories and sifting through mutual feelings with someone complex. These things have occupied so much energy and pre-frontal cortex stimulation that I couldn’t relax into this blog to write. The Instagram story thing sounds like bullshit. But it isn’t. … Continue reading Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
https://youtu.be/Dm9Zf1WYQ_A I want to write about this in a way that is honest. You need to know that I knew better from the first night without me coming off as arrogant. I just did. But I fell anyway. V told me he knew things about people in his life. Didn't know how, just knew. Knowing … Continue reading But I know better
https://youtu.be/0wrsZog8qXg I’m sorry, but this is going to be a mish mash of a million things that only came to light today in their totality and I’m a little shook so...just deal, ok? Pay close attention for bugs and the recurring day August 24th. January 2016: I rang in 2016 in a mental hospital. My … Continue reading I am thinking it’s a sign
https://youtu.be/tnmHlcCJqaI You asked for a pseudonym, so you got one. Voldemort...he who must not be named...but we'll just go with V.I'm not sure I can keep our bargain. Not about the name, I can adhere to that one without too much hassle. You're not the first to receive a moniker, but this is a new … Continue reading A new name for everything
I'm a pragmatist. And a believer in hope. These things lead me to look toward the future. I know the past well enough...I'm much more interested in what's going to happen rather than living in a time already gone. So when it comes to boys, I can't help but like the Pauls over the Johns. … Continue reading The Pauls and the Johns
https://youtu.be/4wZ3ZG_Wams My stomach hurts in the same way it did in third grade when I forgot to do my homework and got saddled with a week's worth of after-school detention. I never should have been punished for something I had little control over and, yet, I felt shame. Yesterday should have been a good day. … Continue reading Higher ground
https://youtu.be/F4DV-5d6a5g On the train and thinking. My most cherished quality I have about myself is my tenacity. I don’t give up. Not in goals and not on people (and if I do, I put them on a shelf and come back around when things have had time to cool off). I got this from my … Continue reading All day and all of the night
https://youtu.be/JgffRW1fKDk Michael’s bar mitzvah was the event of summer 1992. His parents rented out the banquet hall at La Paloma and people flew in to Tucson to be there. It was going to be a ritzy event. A morning ceremony and an evening party. To a girl from Nogales, that meant two party dresses from … Continue reading Ready to go
https://youtu.be/DnSO5Uhobvo I can't help but think of my mom. It isn't the same but it's as close as anyone's ever gotten. -------------------- I got the good side of things Left you with both of the rings My fingers danced and swayed in the breeze The change in the wind took you down to your knees … Continue reading Send it out into the blue
https://youtu.be/Zhs0JD6XJyQ Those last times With the men I've known When we knew it was good bye And not just so long They've had time to think things through I always look better in a rear view mirror They circle back I don't ask why I don't have to We just say goodbye I send them … Continue reading Good
https://youtu.be/sGkz2qCkMZ4 I don't know where I'm going with this, but it's here so I should examine it. Cynicism isn't really my strong suit. I don't enjoy women who say men are trash. I don't engage in conversations about how there's no one good out there and modern dating is awful. I have proof that life … Continue reading You didn’t know me when
https://www.instagram.com/tv/CDilnDwly6K/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Kindness by Naomi Shihab Nye Before you know what kindness really is you must lose things, feel the future dissolve in a moment like salt in a weakened broth. What you held in your hand, what you counted and carefully saved, all this must go so you know how desolate the landscape can be … Continue reading Kindness
Last night was a deep dive into 2016-2017 when I was figuring things out and everything was so very messy. I couldn't keep my distance and fell face first into a melancholy that hasn't lifted with sleep. When I woke up and the sky was overcast, I knew I was going to have to sit … Continue reading Please don’t bend
https://youtu.be/dlJew-Dw87I The most awful thing I ever did, I did by accident. May 2, 2016: I went to a Posies show at R Bar in downtown Tucson all by myself. Last minute. I saw a woman sitting by herself. Asian, bookish, vintage, stylish, cute. I asked her if she minded having a concert buddy for … Continue reading Wicked Game
https://www.instagram.com/p/CDLIIA1l7qg/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link I don't remember when I flipped the switch, but at some point in 2018, I realized I needed a public Instagram account. I didn't have anything to promote, but I wanted to establish some sort of public presence. This was before the blog. This was before NYC. I'd been posting lip-sync videos to Instagram … Continue reading Self-promos and other nonsense
Vente A mi barrio A mi casa A mi lado Vente Para verme A tocarme Hazme daño Vente Tengo prisa Tengo hambre Tengo dudas Vente Quiero verte A preguntarte Mil preguntas
https://youtu.be/fxvkI9MTQw4 Why does it matter Who loved me Who saw me once as a woman Who craved me Who lamented my loss Who reached out Who spoke of me to others Who looked me up long after he left Why do I care? Because they all saw something I never could. They are references. Gauges. … Continue reading I’ll be your whatever you want
Temporary
https://youtu.be/FL-pm-xRb40 Something's up and I don't know what. I'm fine. But I'm feeling a disturbance in the force. I checked in with myself. I'm good, but I had five conversations with people today and all but one of them are feeling off. Summer malaise? General discontent? Covid related grimness? It's not just that. Shootings are … Continue reading Boy, you’ve got me so confused
https://youtu.be/o5osPtE7kXI I'm going through the blog and reading over everything this week. I'm trying to distill all these posts and figure out what my writing is about. Like Margaret Atwood (but nowhere near as good), I don't want to get too meta about how I write or I'll overthink it and the writing won't flow. … Continue reading I wanna get better
I was talking to Tyler recently about dating in general and he mentioned third date sex. What is third date sex? Literally having sex on the third date, but also going on first dates and second dates and building up to the third date. The concept was completely foreign to me. Why would I wait … Continue reading Third date sex
This post is kind of a data dump. I went through an old DISC assessment that I did in 2015. There was a commercial real estate team that wanted to take me on and they had me do this. Two older guys. When they got my results, they were stunned because I guess those results … Continue reading My Sharona*
I'll try to keep this one short but sweet, but I'm not making any promises. 2017 (May): I meet Dan, the 🦄. I swipe through Tinder in NYC in anticipation of coming here. I meet a guy named Jesse. We talk on the phone but never meet. We do become FB friends. I search through … Continue reading It’s only just out of reach, down a block on a beach
Plummers test sewer lines by pouring dye down a drain and waiting for it to show up in the sewer feed at the curb. I know this because I compulsively watched This Old House for the better part of four decades. Doctors use radioisotopes to diagnose medical conditions the same way. If you know how … Continue reading Gossip folks
https://youtu.be/TxrwImCJCqk Timing, right. It's crucial. When to release a film for Oscar contention. When to leave the house to get to the airport in time to go through security and not sit at the gate too long. When to leave for a party so you arrive at the sweet spot. When to ask the boss … Continue reading Time, time, time, see what’s become of me
To Vene on her 17th birthday: Happy birthday you little weirdo! Take a pause while I shower you with advice. Life is about to come at you fast and you’re going to need this: 1. Stop worrying what people think. So nobody likes your taste in music or movies or clothes. And you look odd. … Continue reading A quien le pertenece
Let America Be America Again Langston Hughes (1902-1967) Let America be America again. Let it be the dream it used to be. Let it be the pioneer on the plain Seeking a home where he himself is free. (America never was America to me.) Let America be the dream the dreamers dreamed— Let it be … Continue reading Let America be America Again; July 4th, 2020
https://youtu.be/Clxtg2pFTQM I've been kicking this idea around for a decade. It came initially, and probably subconsciously at first, from a movie I saw as a kid. It's a problematic film based on a book. But the takeaway was educating people...an act most subversive. The movie is The Power of One. We're not teaching critical thought … Continue reading Like children often do: Children’s programming as a subversive act and how to bring UCB back
https://youtu.be/T94bE2_CfPA Last night my dad told me that the American Ambassador pulled the Mexican Secretary of State into a meeting to complain about Mexico’s corruption regarding renewable energy. 🌎: What? Since when does Trump care about renewable energy? Let me break it down for you. Mexico is an OPEC country. Pemex is the Mexican government … Continue reading Come-a listen to my story bout a man named Jed: Mexico and renewable energy
This article is really well-written and hopefully it helps people see why we not only need to value POC safe spaces but protect them with our respectful absence. I live in a historically Black neighborhood. I live on Marcus Garvey Blvd. If you know about Marcus Garvey (and I hope you would look into … Continue reading Carefree: Let’s give people some (safe) space
https://youtu.be/KJVUqzU7B-Q I woke up this morning feeling incredibly loved by someone. I don't even know who. Just I felt confidence and stability and a toggle to someone without feeling constrained. I felt an underlying safety net that gave me the freedom to explore new territory. It's an incredibly strange feeling but not so strange given … Continue reading I’ve got a brand new pair of roller skates
https://youtu.be/p-LArv-sEQU Ok, so like OMG, misogyny is totally hidden in a lot of places. Even in linguistic bias. Girls spread linguistic trends faster. They are practicing mimicry. It’s a societal skill that helps them fit in and reinforce social bonds. But when you associate these trends with insecurity, you miss the fact that women communicate … Continue reading It’s, like, so bitchin’
Marcus Garvey is quiet tonight. 3:34. Is that morning? It's a rarity in normal times, but even more pronounced laid against I don't even know how many nights now of unending fireworks. I feel like this is my little slice of NYC that I get to have all to myself, serenaded by Karen Dalton. I … Continue reading A Little Bit of Rain
https://youtu.be/uY3vgBzgYn4 Are you familiar with the concept of the New Man? It has its roots in religion and philosophy and has been used by political groups from left to right. Basically it’s the idea of the evolution of humans thinking in terms beyond themselves. Hardworking and selfless. No national identity. Or just national identity. Viewpoints … Continue reading I know a place: altruism, the misguided New Man and how to get people to care
2000: I was on scholarship at Princeton. Something I'd earned. When I got the news in an email at the Center for English as a Second Language on the U of A campus, where I worked, I responded immediately. I got a call from the head of the program. I'd been the first to respond, … Continue reading Summer in the city
Do you remember 2018? June was probably the worst month. Women who'd felt disenfranchised by Trump were finally awakening and seeing what was happening as refugees were maltreated. And they started using Nazis and the Holocaust as an analogy to the worst thing they were aware of in history. Because it was the only one … Continue reading Oh bondage! Up yours!
Father’s Day is on Sunday, and I thought about waiting until then to post this. But I feel it now, so, it’s early. I don’t think he'll mind. I like to say that I was thankful my dad never shared his politics with me growing up because he’s conservative and old school. It was mostly out … Continue reading Fortunate Son
https://youtu.be/5SvDr3FHM9A You know the body swap genre? Movies in which two characters gain insight by switching bodies, or one goes forward or back in their own body to gain insight? Then they go back to who they used to be, only a bit wiser for the wear? It's exhausted, I know, but what if it … Continue reading I’ve got an idea for a movie: Turning 41
"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." --Martin Luther King DESDE LA CUARTA DECLARACIÓN DE LA SELVA LACANDONA EZLN, 1 Enero, 1996, Chiapas, Mexico (From the 4th Declaration from the Laconda Jungle Zapatista Army of National Liberation, 1996, Chiapas, Mexico) Nuestra lucha es por hacernos escuchar, y el mal gobierno grita soberbia y tapa … Continue reading Aqui estoy establecido
I just read JK Rowling’s defense of her stance on trans women and it’s kind of a mess. I’ll try to articulate her arguments in a way, giving her deference so I can discuss my thoughts on the matter: 1. Women have been trying to get away from being defined as feminine. Or being defined … Continue reading Man, I feel like a woman: JK Rowling’s defense and some thoughts
The Preamble of the American Constitution (1787) states: "We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for … Continue reading Taking care of business: government reform and the passing of the baton
https://youtu.be/bGV1xYJFAEI Brass Against, for these who don't know is a Rage Against The Machine cover band. If you don't know the song, it's from 1992 and it's about how there are white supremacist cops out there. The song has always been really personal and scary to me. Not because it's informing me of the obvious, … Continue reading And you do what they told ya: autism and pathological demand avoidance
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HlHMQEegpFs How can I not be in love with this life? I'm intoxicated by it every single day here in NYC. Even with my back to the window, the sounds filter in and flood my mind with visions. I hear a phrase from a song as a car passes, and I am in the back … Continue reading And crown thy good with brotherhood from sea to shining sea
In this moment where ignorance is revealing itself, even amongst earnest allies, I want to take a minute to thank the "teachers" in my life who made me question everything. Some of them were actual teachers. Some of them were filmmakers. Some of them were were writers. Philosophers. And some were friends. I grew up … Continue reading And they’re all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same
I need to make you hip to something because some of you out there think you know what you're talking about when you call for peace and use images of violence to prove your point. I am doing this out of love. This information comes from Malcom Gladwell's book David and Goliath but also his podcast Revisionist … Continue reading What white pacifists don’t understand about their pleas for peace and their use of police violence against peaceful protesters
https://youtu.be/wEBlaMOmKV4 This isn't the time for me to share with you my personal grief. This is a time for others to take the mic. At 9:06 p.m., I can hear the protesters outside from my window in Bed-Stuy. I don't join them because I would be an impediment. You can see from the videos they … Continue reading A change is gonna come: Brooklyn 2020/Tucson 2011
https://youtu.be/zkBMpngSy3Y In the early morning, when the weather cooled down to the fifties and Marcus Garvey stilled, I opened my bedroom window and listened to Canto Two of Nabokov’s Pale Fire...and its intimacy and nuance brought my heart back to a softening place. I think when we’re fighting against overwhelming injustice, we have to remember … Continue reading Wish I had a socket-set to dismantle this morning
I’m in withdrawal. I ask myself, is it thirst? No. Hunger? No. Some vitamin deficiency? No. Alcohol? Cigarettes? Caffeine? No, no, no. I have emotional pica. I’ve been craving fire. The smell of a lit match intoxicates me. I want to smell leaves burning. I want to see embers fade to ash. I told Gian. … Continue reading The time to hesitate is through
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvG3is7Bm1w Bastille Day is July 14th. It's the French national holiday. It is the day that the French working class, sick and tired of being oppressed, took actual hands to the physical representation of that oppression, a fortress turned prison to hold political prisoners, and ripped it apart brick by brick, looking for munitions. The … Continue reading A riot of our own
Most nights, I rest well. I fall asleep to podcasts on astronomy or this audiobook Behave I've been listening to over and over. Sometimes lullaby versions of subversive music. Maybe the Avett Brothers. But every once in a while, I spook myself at night. Usually it's a scary documentary or a podcast that's disheartening. I'm … Continue reading No hard feelings
I'm at SFO sitting in a fun swivel chair with my feet up, listening to Mark Ronson's Version album. I don't know when the switch went off. Once there was Christian Bale. And then there was Mark Ronson. I think it was a vertical move. Christian Bale just turned out to be such a jackass in real … Continue reading These days
I'm sitting outside, the first and last night spent by my sister Andrea's pool. We spent time in it today. The weather was great. And we drank aperol spritz' and listened to music. I started the day at 11 this morning and packed two and a half months' life into some suitcase. There were things … Continue reading It’s just a jump to the left
I have one, which is weird. It doesn't make me feel anything but perplexed that someone would take time to heckle me...more than once. Email: trync@ymail.com IP address: 174.238.134.21 (either Mesa or somewhere in California), but the IP address isn't a big indicator of anything. Probably a burner account. Anyone who wants to finds me … Continue reading Trolls
When I was in high school, our biology book had this picture in it (or something similar). And for IB Biology we had to learn human anatomy. But for some reason, my biology teacher censored this diagram. I called him on it in class and he shut that shit down faster than Canchola (the McDonald’s … Continue reading Fight the power
Teen sex was fun for me. That's the great thing about losing your virginity to a friend with no emotions involved. It meant there wasn't any confusion. I didn't go looking for love and settling for sex. I never even told D that he wasn't the first. I remember the first time we had sex. … Continue reading The power of love (or sex…whatever)
I feel a little broken tonight. It's taken so much out of me. I just want someone to come and tell me they will make it all right and mean it. So I could lay my worries to rest and my burden down and just coast. Not forever. Not to be saved. Not to be … Continue reading No sleep til…Brooklyn
Edit: Originally published on 5/17/2020 7/22/2020: I took this down because it felt pretentious at the time, but I'm putting it back up because yeah. https://youtu.be/MbXWrmQW-OE Ok universe, I am asking for a manifestation. But only because they have worked in the past. This is someone I need in my life. Someone to finish … Continue reading Message in a bottle
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Pvi4uKuawk There was a time when I learned the sacred values of words. If you overuse a word it can lose its meaning, its power. How can you hate the rain and hate injustice? Words are not bubble gum. They do not snap back. Once stretched out to fit any occasion, they lose their fit. … Continue reading Halcyon days
Curses are tricky things. They come on in ways you don't see. They don't seem like curses until you are in the middle of them. At least the first time around. In The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, Junot Diaz explores the idea of fukú and zafa. Fukú is a curse brought to the island of Hispañola … Continue reading El fukú y la zafa
https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=pbMwTqkKSpsMy goal with Instagram is to learn how to tell stories, even made up ones, in novel ways. I'm not there for the vanity. But if I can trick someone into reading a story with a picture, maybe there's something to it.This story has dyslexic errors but it's not too bad. And drawn from real … Continue reading When the party’s over
https://youtu.be/9e65rzXbbM4 It's warm outside today, but there's a bit of a breeze and plenty of shade on this porch. And the far sounds of the street are just enough to lull me into a sort of daydream. About you, of course. You, whom I promised not to write about anymore. But I don't think I'm … Continue reading Just my imagination (running away with me)
Hi, so you're the guy, huh? Interesting. It's funny because I tend to have a type, and you're nothing like it. I don't think I would have guessed you'd be the guy. But here we are. Look, I know. I am a lot. I come off as one thing when really, I'm something completely different. It's gonna … Continue reading To the next boy I fall in love with: a primer
https://youtu.be/yCC_b5WHLX0 I'm here in Tucson. I have a flight out, for now at least. I don't know if I should extend my stay or go back to NYC. But not out of fear. I don't operate from fear and reaction when I am centered. I just measure my risk tolerance and proceed. It's become second … Continue reading Listen to your heart: advice to you when you feel stuck
I have accepted the 10 Days of Birthday Gifts challenge from no one in particular. My birthday is June 15th, and with shipping the way it is now, I thought I’d give you all time to get your gifts to me on time. I know…call me overly considerate…but I’m just trying to look out for … Continue reading Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes-Benz
Autism, women and the woo woo. This. Is. Brilliant. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-n6IWTRVGeg&fbclid=IwAR3uhw4PfV3picgtkNxlnjEMyAyaP8GaeWmmidpTM1-gZgq5g1E1neSlwa0 Why don't I look strangers in the eye? It's super intimate. I'm not less sensitive. I am more. While most people see and hear in limits, I take it all in and it is overwhelming.
Tonight, I am listening to punk music and remembering every boy I ever crushed on for knowing how to skate or play guitar or having long hair or long eyelashes or black nail polish and eye liner, Docs worn down to the nub, a shitty car with a back seat full of crap, a tape … Continue reading Into the mystic
Listen. Ten times. https://www.instagram.com/p/BxDa7hngV6E/?igshid=4efd5enatmzl
Ok, so here’s the real twisted shit, but first, a little backstory. When I was in high school, I was chum. I was what bottom feeders ate. At least when it came to getting noticed for anything but being a nerd. And a bitch. Let’s not forget I was considered a bitch. But I owned … Continue reading Momma told me not to come
I have accepted the 10 Days of Birthday Gifts challenge from no one in particular. My birthday is June 15th, and with shipping the way it is now, I thought I’d give you all time to get your gifts to me on time. I know…call me overly considerate…but I’m just trying to look out for … Continue reading Hang on in there
I have accepted the 10 Days of Birthday Gifts challenge from no one in particular. My birthday is June 15th, and with shipping the way it is now, I thought I’d give you all time to get your gifts to me on time. I know…call me overly considerate…but I’m just trying to look out for … Continue reading Stayin’ Alive
I was 15 when we metYou, a size Junior 13 pair of Arizona brand jeans from JC PenneyWhen I left a pen in you and it bled and you got an ink stainYou didn't get madYou let me take Sharpies and write all over youAnd you didn't cry when one knee ripped and then the … Continue reading Ode to my favorite pair of jeans ever
A word for every place and thing But I don't make a sound So used to hearing my own voice When there's no one else around My native tongue cut out of my mouth And a stutter left in its place I toggle restlessly between cultures and languages Classes and even race The things I … Continue reading Shitty poetry when I can’t think straight
That was what I wrote after meeting the 🦄 in Tucson. The rush of infatuation was overwhelming. It was enough to get me to fly to NYC. On a whim. On a hope and wing and a prayer. The trip that would change the trajectory of my life. I had no idea what was in … Continue reading The man I love
Mel Baggs died. At the age of 39. Please watch the video if you have any curiosity or familiarity with autism. I'm verbal...overly so. But the things Mel did in the video were all things I did as a child when no one was around. I think it annoyed my sisters a lot. It made … Continue reading So long, Mel Baggs, and thanks for all the good
Update: here's a really great article on how Maslow misinterpreted the ideas he sold as his own. Here is one of many articles explaining why it's wrong. People are using this hierarchy right now to justify all sorts of terrible behavior. No, they can't help others or do good, they're too busy taking care of … Continue reading Fuck Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pseudoscience bullshit
I talked to a friend last night. I couldn't unload because she's an unemployed author with two kids and a partner who has cancer. But she's not American, so she's not apt to being overly emotive or draining. It was incredibly kind of her. Someone offered me their car to drive around town. I wrote … Continue reading No song title for this one either
I can only say it so many ways. I’m losing the battle here in Tucson. I’m losing touch with anything good inside me. And any strength I possess. With no way of recharging. I'm getting through the days listening to podcasts on brain science and staying mildly sedated. It's not enough. I've reached out. But … Continue reading No song title this time
I have this thing. It's not an addiction, per say. More of...a non-constructive self-soothing mechanism I learned from my parents. My parents both have slight variations on the same childhood story. They each played hooky one day from school, intercepted the milkman form, ordered a bunch of pies, and gorged on them before their parents … Continue reading More
Bear with me. There be woo woo ahead. I woke up this morning feeling peaceful, which is really fucking great because I've been feeling very, very low for a couple of days now. I cried a lot yesterday. Forty-two days away from NYC in almost total isolation here in Tucson. I miss my friends and … Continue reading The beginning is the end is the beginning: my dream about UCB Comedy this morning and the woo woo
Edit: From January Today was was a gorgeous winter day where unexpected help was found, where generosity was touching, and where I realized that strangers' faces at a bar on Christopher Street were now those of friends and storytellers whose esteem I am honored to have. This story didn't stop being true because things ended. … Continue reading One, two princes here before you: a boy I once loved and the words I never could
It was a rough day yesterday. I finally broke. When I start acting like this: It's a last ditch effort to stop feeling like this: I know I'm safe here and I should be thankful and I'm strong and I should go for a walk and enjoy nature, etc. At least that's what people keep … Continue reading Moonlight, you’re just a heartache in disguise
I am separated from Gian, my roommate, right now. He’s at our apartment in Brooklyn, celebrating his 27th birthday in our apartment. He’s self-isolating. I paid Julio Torres via Cameo to send him a happy message. Julio is donating the money to the Restaurant Worker’s Community Fund. At the last minute, I thought of something … Continue reading They say it’s your birthday…
When I was 11, I went on a gifted school trip to Washington, D.C. It was my first trip to the East Coast. Me at the Lincoln Memorial in 1991 It was eye opening in ways I don’t think the teachers anticipated. On a lawn, across the street from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I saw protesters … Continue reading It’s up to you, New York
I'll post again. I promise. Just give me a moment to myself. I need to regroup and figure out what's next. Thanks for checking in. I've mostly been making silly videos for my Insta stories like this one (note: the sound doesn't sync right for some reason and I can't figure out that glitch yet. … Continue reading Moment to myself
To my Bernie folks and to your Bernie folks: HopeGustav Klimt I know you are disheartened. I understand. You see all the injustices out there and you know that we are in need of drastic, systemic change. Those voices who came out to support Bernie were also the voices of good-hearted people pleading for changes … Continue reading We are made of our longest days: Bernie Sanders folks, do not despair
Today is a Beatles kind of day.I didn't come to faith of my own volition. I am a "man of science." But it has found me where I am and morphs and grows in its own way. And so I have become a reluctant believer.When I say faith, it is not in a particular religion … Continue reading Something: the Beatles and faith
Three things: 1. The AirBNB owner came over yesterday and we talked about all the woo woo. She's a former chemist and statistician. She's been very ill and has been using marijuana to deal with pain but also very deep trauma, so she was waiting here for her dispensary order to be ready. I … Continue reading Lean on me
https://youtu.be/cpbbuaIA3Ds Here are my thoughts: the federal government is not suited to direct dissemination of funds to the public. They’re requiring tax returns for verification. The IRS has been gutted. They won’t be getting funds to people for months. And unemployment insurance payouts are overwhelmed. But small businesses pay people all the time. There is … Continue reading Money, it’s also a liquid! How about we try to save the economy?
I’ve been on a ventilator. It saved my life. And even if I haven’t cured cancer or written the great American novel or married Mark Ronson, I’ve gotten *years* more with all of you. I think about that. About everyone who needs one right now. It sounds dark. We’ve had dark days before. All the … Continue reading First I was afraid, I was petrified
https://youtu.be/ZqpysaAo4BQ You know what sounds really good right now? Buying local. Buying American. Employing Americans. Respecting American labor. Treating it like the National resource it is. Making sure there are jobs that pay living wages. Making sure people’s paychecks aren’t dug out by overpriced benefits and taxes that put the onus on the poor while … Continue reading In my life
I have this superstition about New Year's Eve. I mean, everyone has superstitions about New Year's Eve. Wear red underwear. Eat 12 grapes. Sweep out the front door. Run around the block with empty suitcases. They're cute. Mine has always been that however I spend New Year's Eve is how I'll spend the rest of … Continue reading Wearing a face that she keeps in a jar by the door
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kiY87XLahk&t=345s Do me a favor and click into the video at 40 minutes in so you can see a speech I saw live on December 16, 2016. Matty Healy, lead singer of The 1975, talked to the crowd of some 18,000 kids and their folk who convened for a prayer meeting in song. You may … Continue reading Love it if we made it: Matty Healy’s plea for compassion at the O2
I can tell you how people act and predict how they will act. I can even tell you why. I don't just listen to the things they say, but I listen to what it is they need people to know. And then I learn something about them they didn't even mean to share. They just … Continue reading Times is hard
I say Cary Elwes was my first big crush, but I already had a thing for Ricky Nelson by that point. Afternoons in front of the TV watching Ozzie and Harriet had ruined me for life. The problem for me as a gifted kid was sitting around and waiting for everyone in class to catch up. … Continue reading But it’s all right now, I learned my lesson well
If you want happy, go check out my Instagram stories/feed. There's plenty there to keep you occupied. This is where I've come today to say the things I can't really tell anyone. Up until last night, I had been able to hold my shit together. After all, I got out of NYC. I landed softly … Continue reading And now I know ‘Spanish Harlem’ are not just pretty words to say
Note: this isn't to scare you. This is just stuff I have some knowledge of and a good hunch about. My hunches tend to be right. Call them woo woo. Call me stupid in a year. But take a couple minutes to read this. ------- So one of the effects of the Bubonic Plague was … Continue reading Gardening at night: fresh produce supply chains in the time of Covid-19
It feels like the world is having a 'Come to Jesus' moment, doesn't it? Six months ago, people didn't know what to make of Greta Thunberg. They didn't value health care or teachers or grocery store checkers or Uber drivers or Seamless delivery guys or silence or the laughter of friends. They didn't value the … Continue reading Living on the edge—how Michael can save the world
That's virtual Matty Healy. Here's my Facebook cleanse for anyone who wants to follow. Consult your doctor before engaging. Individual results will vary. 1. FB associates I've honed my FB down to a science. I started out by getting rid of the polite FB friendships...people whose only connections to me were that we went to … Continue reading Ready, steady, go…and all the things she said…on social media
I'm writing this only for posterity and to show you maybe how this thing works. I don't know the future. I just know there's something happening and too many coincidences. Just ignore this if you're not interested. I'm sure the next post will be silly and snarky and entertaining (the last one's debatable). So here's … Continue reading Woo hoo, witchy woman
When I first did Nancy Stanley's stand up show Estrogen Hour at Laff's at Tony Paniagua's suggestion, I didn't know it would lead to finding a community of funny, witty, ballsy women. Roxy is one of them. Last night she interviewed me for the weekly comedy show is This On for Tucson's KMKR. Take a … Continue reading Mexican Radio: KMKR ‘Is This On’ with Roxy Merari
More on the woo woo. But I'll keep it short this time. So you know that I gave a speech at the U.N. back in 1997 at a UNIS conference. The way it happened was that we would sit for lectures and then break out into small sections of ten people for discussion. The conference was … Continue reading Got a black magic woman
https://youtu.be/EKdPxXWm7Jg First the small and then the big. Small: deliveries from Grove by UPS I just want UPS to deliver my package. Simple, right? It's just toilet paper and cleaning supplies. No biggie, unless you're in NYC and under self-isolation. And you have disabilities. UPS has neither disability accommodations nor a comprehensive pandemic program in … Continue reading I don’t like going outside so bring me everything here: Problems in the time of Covid-19
Stick with me for a bit. This one's a bit of a rollercoaster ride but I think I might have a point. Be prepared for woo woo. I've only ever told one person all of this. People know bits and pieces. I don't need to be burned at the stake or drowned for witchcraft. But … Continue reading It’s the end of the world as we know it
I took two semesters of English in college needlessly. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. The University of Arizona was slow to acknowledge my IB scores. Meanwhile, the English department used Nogales High School seniors as guinea pigs for a gateway program into the honors program. Instead of writing … Continue reading Hot for teacher
I want you to know it wasn't all bad. When I close my eyes and think of safe, it is a peach sherbet golf polo. When I was three or four, I went to my grandparents' house on Highland in Nogales. My cousins were all there playing out on the driveway while my mother and … Continue reading Good vibrations
This one is really dark. I don't want you reading this if my retelling of abuse and suicide attempt is going to trigger you. I have to write this. It's the only way to process it. I don't care who knows it. I have already shared my most shameful moments. It's time to let you … Continue reading I’m leaving on a jet plane
https://youtu.be/JUpidCc7wwY I made butternut squash soup today. It's was ridiculously easy. Peel, clean and chop a butternut squash. Do the same to a green apple. Throw in in a Vitamix with chicken broth (or hot water and bouillon), milk or cream, hot honey (or honey/light brown sugar and cayenne), soy sauce, garlic, salt, pepper, paprika, … Continue reading Soup is good food
You can't just separate the good from the bad in a person. That's what makes things so confusing. But I like to remember the good because it lets me know what I do want. I'm pretty certain I know what I don't. He was funny. He had jokes. And he wanted me to know them. … Continue reading That thing you do!
Dead Kennedys...aw yeah. Anyway, by the time I was 12, it as pretty much drilled into me that my task in life was to go to law school and eventually become Santa Cruz County judge. My maternal grandfather was a county supervisor, and from the time I could sell a Girl Scout cookie, I was … Continue reading I fought the law and I won: Teen Court 1996
I get this a lot. And there are very few people who can understand. Growing up in Nogales is a unique experience. Nogales is two towns divided by an international border. On one side, Arizona. On the other side, Sonora, Mexico. Nogales came first. The border came later in 1854 with the Gadsden Purchase. I … Continue reading What are you? Not the border wall.
It is cruel to be kind at times. And the best characters are flawed. ---------------- She's eager to please and acts like a Jewish Fraggle. Not quite a hippie, but definitely an air of that Southern California "hang loose, brah" vibe. This is who she shows to the world to be liked--a happy-go-lucky woman of … Continue reading Character study for later use
When you have a blog, you might not know who reads or how they even find you. I've been writing here for about a year now and still know so little. For example, you! Are you a friend from high school? Someone I went out on a date with? A family member? A stranger? Unless … Continue reading Ever fallen in love, in love with someone//You shouldn’t have fallen in love with?
Anger is one of those feelings people are funny about it. Women, at least the ones I grew up with, aren't supposed to get angry. It wouldn't be ladylike. My mom dealt with anger by breaking shit. A lot of shit. And breaking me. I was usually the closest thing around. Sometimes with words, sometimes … Continue reading The honest truth about PTSD
First of all, happy Sunday!!!! Don’t you just love Carol Channing? She was such a ray of sunshine. Every hipster in L.A. would kill to wear that hat to brunch today! Working through a lesson here: I have a friend here in Brooklyn that I’ve known since before I moved here. I’ve told him to … Continue reading Open up your heart and let the sunshine in
Veneranda Jade 