"Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop." --Lewis Carroll, Alice In Wonderland
Ernest Elmo Calkins, Obsolescence and The Path to Hell, Paved With Good Intentions
If you’re an American who wants the latest and greatest, even when what you already have is perfectly adequate, you’re not alone. We have been trained as a society to not be ok with what we already have. Consumer capitalism came about in response to the Great Depression. What you’re about to read (the attached … Continue reading Ernest Elmo Calkins, Obsolescence and The Path to Hell, Paved With Good Intentions
Undercurrent
I went to an immersive art installation in East Williamsburg tonight only because it featured The 1975. And as you know, they are my guiding star. It’s called UNDERCURRENT, and it’s “a new event that immerses visitors in over 11 original audiovisual art installations, created by influential musicians to inspire positive impact around the Climate … Continue reading Undercurrent
A sweet post for a sweet night
Friday night started out like most others. I try not to go out on Fridays. It’s my night to stay in, watch YouTube videos and sing along. Jon ventured out onto the roof to get a gander at the city in her star-spangled glory. He came in pretty quickly because he’s scared of Heights and … Continue reading A sweet post for a sweet night
It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day
https://youtu.be/oHRNrgDIJfo It is fall, and I’ve been sitting in my window eating a breakfast of left over pot roast and reading. A truck passed by and the smell of spent fuel took me to Paris, to the place that will always feel like home. This year has extracted so much fire from me. I needed … Continue reading It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day
Devil’s haircut
https://youtu.be/aa3rBVb3v4g I cut my hair (with craft scissors), bought a Denman brush for curly hair and some curly hair gel, and now I’m starting to get the hang of this hair. A midlife hair change doesn’t sound like a big deal but it kinda is. There’s a learning curve. There are new habits that must … Continue reading Devil’s haircut
Pausing to reflect
Today I said goodbye to Jon. He said he was bummed to be leaving. But then he realized that he could jump in a plane any time he wants and stay on my couch. Before he came, I had no idea what it would be like to have a friend from Tucson see my life … Continue reading Pausing to reflect
Pursuit of happiness
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xzU9Qqdqww I don't know how to write about this or talk about this or even feel about this.My sister called me a month ago. She never calls. She was crying. Big sobs. So it didn't matter that I was dressed and about to go out. I knew that what mattered was that she needed to … Continue reading Pursuit of happiness
Human
This end up ⬆️
The other night I told Andrea and Mikey that Tyler wanted mariachis for his birthday. They thought it was some ironic joke on his part. I said it wasn’t. I’d made the same mistake years before when Ty said he liked drinking at Applebee’s. There’s so much bullshit irony in this world that we just … Continue reading This end up ⬆️
A sweet night, one week ago
Friday night started out like most others. I try not to go out on Fridays. It’s my night to stay in, watch YouTube videos and sing along. Jon ventured out onto the roof to get a gander at the city in her star-spangled glory. He came in pretty quickly because he’s scared of heights and … Continue reading A sweet night, one week ago
My constant companion and the love of my life
My worry is a marathon running manIt is a constantly teething toddlerA Jack Russell left alone with a new couch It could power entire citiesFind the cure to pancreatic cancerOr propel a jet to Mars How I still find the energyAnd the inclination to love youIsn’t a mystery At times it is the one thing … Continue reading My constant companion and the love of my life
Nihilism is lazy weaksauce
There is a hubris that I find more and more grating with time. It is possessed and professed by white American men of liberal political disposition. Not all, but almost exclusively. They know the world is fucked and for their benefit. They didn’t ask for the inheritance and they don’t want to claim it. This … Continue reading Nihilism is lazy weaksauce
Covid disinformation and free speech
If you’re American, at some point in your primary education you were probably introduced to the concept of the “marketplace of ideas.” Basically, you were told that in America we prize free speech so much that we protect it all and let the good ideas float to the top on merit and the untruths sink … Continue reading Covid disinformation and free speech
I don’t look talk like I’m from around here
So part of the journey of self-exploration has been in getting to witness the autistic diaspora. When autism is discussed in a vacuum, rarely does ethnicity come into play. Like most things, autism is discussed from a white place. A male place. A privileged place. A parental place. A neurotypical place. But the great thing … Continue reading I don’t look talk like I’m from around here
You can go with this or you can go with that
https://youtu.be/XQ7z57qrZU8 https://www.instagram.com/p/CTGPfYnjfyg/?utm_medium=copy_link I don’t know for sure, but I’ve got a hunch that Borderline Personality Disorder is a huuuuuge boogeyman that people get saddled with. Big surprise that the DSM gets it wrong AGAIN. If it were to occur spontaneously in a person, then we could call it a personality disorder. Let’s say you grow … Continue reading You can go with this or you can go with that
It’s all over now, Baby Blue
https://youtu.be/pF9wmfGI0iA My grandpa Trav died. He was old and it was a peaceful death after a few falls. Probably one of the sweetest men anyone’s ever met. He loved my grandma Nena til the day he died, which has got to mean something. My aunt called me to tell me this. I was already crying, … Continue reading It’s all over now, Baby Blue
What about your friends
https://youtu.be/92gHq1s6G-c It’s been crazy around here. I’m chasing highs I can’t possibly recreate. I’m seriously lacking in neurotransmitters. I am not, however, lacking in friends. I’ve hung out with Nikola at Barboncino: And gotten soaked in the rain with Jonathan in Bed-Stuy: Not my photo Watched the sun set over Bayonne with Joyce in Red … Continue reading What about your friends
Well I don’t care about history
https://youtu.be/oz7KYUkdlvE When I was 12 or 13, my parents knew a younger guy in the golf scene. His girlfriend was this flawless beauty. She ran a clothing shop out of La Paloma called Sutton’s. Everything about her was effortlessly cool. Even her handwriting. She sent my mom a card on business stationary once. The script … Continue reading Well I don’t care about history
I wanna prove to you
https://youtu.be/pJGzm2fF2Uo There was this night in early September 2018 when I just knew. I’d just come home to Tucson from a month away in Brooklyn that felt like a punch in the gut followed by a sweet caress and a sad farewell. I begged for home those first few weeks and kicked myself for having … Continue reading I wanna prove to you
This is how it works
https://youtu.be/tHAhnJbGy9M Pt. 1 I've been reading this book on the resurgence of the NYC rock scene in the 2000's. Yesterday I came across a quote by a guy. They figured out cheap rent. They became vegetarian to eat cheaply. They got bikes to sidestep train fares. They did what they had to do so that … Continue reading This is how it works
A fork stuck in the road
https://youtu.be/CnQ8N1KacJc I don't know what it was like to watch Dylan plug in and feel betrayed. I'm not that old. But I do know what it was to watch Billie Joe put on a skinny tie over a black shirt.I got really lucky to experience punk before Blink and emo came in.When I hear millennials … Continue reading A fork stuck in the road
Footsteps
I’m reading Meet Me In The Bathroom right now. It feels like talking to friends, partly because I am the same generation as the people in the book and came of age to their music, partly because I responded to the siren song NYC transmits, and partly because I have friends who were here when … Continue reading Footsteps
Set it free
https://youtu.be/Hm_pTkWH4ZQ This morning I woke up to good news and not so great news. The good news was that a financial investment I made paid off quadruple. The other news was Michael sending me a Page Six article on Mark Ronson’s upcoming wedding. Just kidding. It doesn’t affect me one way or another. Mark’s a … Continue reading Set it free
Imuris
There was a humble stuccoed house down in Imuris that my father used to take me to when I was a little girl. It had once belonged to his grandfather Cirilo, a blacksmith. My father spent his summers there as a child. He’d wake up to the smell of his step grandmother Julia roasting coffee … Continue reading Imuris
Battery
Let’s get it out and down on paper and then let’s start doing something about it. Most days I feel like an old battery that can’t hold a charge. I know why. I know that I was never good enoughfor someone when I was too little to do anything about it. I was only as … Continue reading Battery
She has sung
24 hrs/4 acts/Bourdain
I.Tyler was maybe gonna come over last night but he's injured and lacking in sleep. Baseball. I was maybe gonna order cheesecake and then started shredding carrots (and two knuckles) to make a cake. But it was hot. And I wanted to see J. Turns out he wanted to see me after he got out … Continue reading 24 hrs/4 acts/Bourdain
What’s the frequency, Kenneth?
https://youtu.be/jWkMhCLkVOg On Monday morning, Andrea and Mikey did something that happens to me with regular frequency. I told them there was no way I could ever waitress. I wouldn’t be able to hear people or take orders or make eye contact. They dismissed it out of hand and said I’d probably be really good at … Continue reading What’s the frequency, Kenneth?
Mr. Brightside
https://youtu.be/gGdGFtwCNBE I can’t write honestly right now and it’s killing meeeeeeeee and taking controooll. But honestly, I’m so mixed up in my head that all I can muster is staring at the ceiling fan. It feels like love. But it’s spread out over several people. And I have no idea if it’s requited. I’m throwing … Continue reading Mr. Brightside
The “B” word
I’ve always leaned into relationships that involve witty banter. I like when people bring their A game. I can talk forever. I’ve had a series of male friends with whom I texted for hours day after day for months: Brandon, Jon, Tyler…. I’m sure I’m missing a few. These friends all have incredibly high creative … Continue reading The “B” word
Add it up
https://youtu.be/L7y9yChV478 There’s this thing he said the last time he was here. About how pretentious people sound when they use expensive words and how boring it can become. It was a preface, a condition, a distinction he was building to. How he could listen to me talk forever because my big words didn’t come with … Continue reading Add it up
Lean On
https://youtu.be/YqeW9_5kURI It was 2015; the end of the 4th of July weekend spent in San Diego and on Coronado Island. In the back seat of the car, headphones in and listening to Major Lazer while my parents talked in the front seat, I started writing something on my phone. I can’t remember why. It turned … Continue reading Lean On
You’re no good
https://youtu.be/_bj_32QeAaU There’s this part in Clueless where Brittany Murphy tells Breckin Meyer that she wishes she could skate. He tells her not to. She asks why. And he says something to the effect of, “Then what would boys have to impress girls with?” I think about this line a lot. I’m still impressed by the … Continue reading You’re no good
Be a dust or be a star
https://youtu.be/hX5kCx7a07I I’m coming back, mah babeeeees! What does it feel like? The first thoughts in my head in the morning are still anxious, but I’m able to talk to that scared kid and help her not be scared and therefore angry and reactive. I’m able to see the Matrix. And by that I mean, all … Continue reading Be a dust or be a star
From whence
Nicole asked me if I missed the desert.How can I miss it when I carry it inside of me? Strangers to Southern Arizona lament the absence of green,But the brown is beautiful.I know the colors of the dirt. The veins of clay. Volcanic and sedimentary rocks that read like storybooks. The mountainous skylines that act … Continue reading From whence
The birthday party
https://youtu.be/Do7B74dyEVs 42 rang in pretty nicely. Mikey had offered to make a lasagna, but then he realized that he’d already promised Dusty he’d play at his bar that night. ‘Twas a blessing in disguise. Tuesday was also Mariam’s (Miriam’s? Still not sure on the spelling) birthday so even less pressure for me. On Sunday before, … Continue reading The birthday party
Steady, as she goes
https://youtu.be/DXAidGQUuns To contextualize what I’ve been battling these past few months, I guess you’d have to know how bad things can get. Neglect, illness, physical and mental deterioration, and suicide attempts. I’m an adult autistic who wants to live independently. I’m walking on a high wire without a safety net. I do it well enough … Continue reading Steady, as she goes
I feel so extraordinary
https://youtu.be/mfI1S0PKJR8 Last night Mariam said (screamed over the loud music) that she can hear the conversations the boys have on the second floor Mmmmm with perfect clarity (the boys being Josh, Max and Dusty) from her apartment on the 4th floor. She’s listened in to see what they’re talking about and apparently it’s utter nonsense. … Continue reading I feel so extraordinary
Your generation
https://youtu.be/poc4TgOmpPM I watched an old Noah Baumbach movie last night from 1995. Kicking and Screaming. Very first wave GenXer. Everyone’s wearing baggy Gap jeans. I’m right at the end of GenX. I have no memories of the 70’s. The girls my age were influenced by Beverly Hills 90210, yes, but more by Clueless. Clueless really … Continue reading Your generation
One foot in front of the other
https://youtu.be/ie-7JwVcMdQ It’s October 2018 and I’m cold, laying on a futon in Crown Heights, trying to go to sleep. I’m uncomfortable because the futon has yet to be built that is amazing to sleep on. Futons fails as sofas and as beds. They’re sort of mediocre at everything but they get the job done. But … Continue reading One foot in front of the other
Party girl
Back in college I used to write notes on the back of my hand and down my arm. Not for cheating, but just little things I’d learned that day that I wanted to share with D. I loved lectures when the professors were good. If I loved a class I never missed it. If I … Continue reading Party girl
Oh boy
https://youtu.be/-o6cCXKgz20 Just a couple of thoughts. Unrelated.1. It's fun being charismatic and commanding attention. What's not great is when you're around others who really desire attention. They want people to hang on their words but they aren't charismatic. You can feel them wanting what you possess. It's even worse when they're in the conversation and … Continue reading Oh boy
Take me to church
https://youtu.be/PVjiKRfKpPI Last night:King Tai and Superpower with Andrea. I told her my theory of Crown Heights as Middle Earth and who is who. I got to meet her father. A Spanish attorney. He was extremely kind and helped me realize that I can be a little too jaded. I needed that fatherly energy. Then Franklin … Continue reading Take me to church
Scenes before the Italian restaurant
“It’s going to be uncomfortable.” I’ve been hearing that a lot lately. Uncomfortable is sweating on a train platform in sweltering NYC August. Uncomfortable is blistered feet on the second day of a weeklong trip to Rome. Uncomfortable is a scorched mouth after drinking scalding hot chocolate. Somehow these procedures are never just uncomfortable. Today … Continue reading Scenes before the Italian restaurant
She lays down
https://youtu.be/165kCErOx7A We’re not out of the woods quite yet, but we’re making headway. Enough that I can look back with some clarity. Things are good and they’re getting better. My brain is starting to feel like my own. I’m able to connect ideas again, make jokes, laugh, smile, call upon higher resources. But I’ve lost … Continue reading She lays down
Notes from Elana, May 2021
Have patienceKnow when the fire works for you and know when it burns youPatience will bloom in timeIf we push, we push awayIf we get obsessed or resentful or spiraling, we also delayLearn the difference between waiting for something to unfold and when you are stuckAlso the difference between you are intuitively guided to take … Continue reading Notes from Elana, May 2021
Do you believe in magic?
https://youtu.be/JnbfuAcCqpY I’m a writer, right? The most crucial factor to being a writer, in my opinion, is a strong inner voice. Oh you should hear the things that go on in my head! You’d be relieved with the head you’ve got on your own shoulders. Normally, the thoughts that come are my friends. They’re funny … Continue reading Do you believe in magic?
The struggle, she is real
When I was still a little kid, some people in my family started showing signs of illness and my mother drove herself insane looking for answers. I worry about going off the edge the way that she did. She started reading the Bible. Then keeping a prayer candle lit 24 hours a day, unattended. Then … Continue reading The struggle, she is real
Do call it a comeback
https://youtu.be/vimZj8HW0Kg I’m starting to come back little by little. And the greatest thing Emily did for me was just keep telling me that I would. When I couldn’t rely on my brain for the truth, I knew she wouldn’t lie to me or placate me. That’s not how our friendship works. I’ve seen so many … Continue reading Do call it a comeback
A fuerzas
What do strong people fear? Being alone during tough times. I have a friend who’s very strong. Everyone respects them for their strength. Looks up to them. Leans on them. But who is there in their weak moments? No one. And that is terrifying to this person. Not because they can’t handle the difficult life … Continue reading A fuerzas
Today I don’t feel like doing anything
https://youtu.be/dULOjT9GYdQ I was listening to Talib Kweli’s podcast featuring Fat Joe yesterday. Fat Joe talked about having to sit in jail for four months and how it forced him to sit with his thoughts. My inclination when something is wrong is to “do.”Think my way out of a problem. Act. Shop. Build. Cook. Activity is … Continue reading Today I don’t feel like doing anything
Limited friendships and self-care
I am so grateful for friends. I know what it’s like to not have them. I know dark times. So treating friends well is important to me. I’m going to be good. I’m going to give. And I try not to take too much. I’m very aware of all of this all the time. And … Continue reading Limited friendships and self-care
What it actually feels like
About a year ago, in April, my period suddenly changed. Not that it's ever been "normal." When I was 18, I started bleeding for three weeks at a time until I couldn't climb the stairs to get to my bedroom on the 3rd floor of the house my family was living in back in La … Continue reading What it actually feels like
What it feels like
Like your alarm clock is a rollercoaster and you start every day with your stomach dropping as the G forces pile up. Like the soundtrack to your Hitchcockian day is a synthesizer that plays staccato dissonant chords in the highest octave right before the climax. Like a nightmare in which you’re running through a maze … Continue reading What it feels like
Disclaimer:
I will bite the hand that feeds me I will pour gasoline on all of itjust to watch it burn Something about the sacred purificationof heat and light and smoke The most verdant life springs from soilthat once was hot ash and lava I am the volcanoDestruction is my modus operandi I make no apologiesJust … Continue reading Disclaimer:
Irredeemable
I’m paring things down. I don’t want many friends. I don’t want to socialize. I don’t have the energy to love anyone. Food tastes like nothing. I don’t look forward to anything. I just want to withdraw from the world. I want to get rid of stuff. I want to live in a place with … Continue reading Irredeemable
I’ll melt with you
https://youtu.be/LuN6gs0AJls I woke up this morning from my second dream about being a secret fighter in a revolution that takes place somewhere in Southeast Asia. I keep seeing a globe. But it’s drawn with the Indian Ocean as the center. I keep hearing the world Colombo but I know it’s not Sri Lanka. More like … Continue reading I’ll melt with you
Hungry like the wolf
https://youtu.be/oJL-lCzEXgI I’m going to sound like an ingrate, but I’m going to take the chance. I need to get out of the United States. If only for a while. I have cabin fever and my cabin is this whole country. I need to go some place where I’m not exotic. Where people don’t split checks … Continue reading Hungry like the wolf
Questions you ask yourself at 8:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning
1. Where to next? I feel like I figured out NYC. Everything now is just a repetition of something I’ve already done or seen or know. I’m a fast learner. 2. With whom do I belong? I know I don’t belong with the squares. What makes them happy drives me crazy and I’m not really … Continue reading Questions you ask yourself at 8:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning
And now it’s time for a breakdown
https://youtu.be/JIuYQ_4TcXg I’ll be back. Let’s just get through April. I’ve got a lot to say.
Minor break for major glory
Let’s take some time to thank everyone because I don’t know how long I’ll have clarity before things get bad again. There’s Emily, who ordered food to my apartment because I couldn’t get it together enough to ignore out food. There’s Maddie who compliments me so well. It’s not easy. I’m a nightmare sometimes. And … Continue reading Minor break for major glory
Tired to death
More medical stuff today. I've been trying out a concierge medical service that doesn't do much called Forward. I have an HMO, which means about all Forward can do is act on top of that. I messaged Forward using the app today because the anemia is pretty bad and I can't get into my PCP … Continue reading Tired to death
Franco unAmerican
https://youtu.be/ZSb3nG4oTNQ I can talk about this now because the threat is temporarily abated. I couldn’t talk about it before because the implications were both personal and professional. Last year, after I showed my video for the first time, a man representing a physics lab in Idaho approached me to speak to his organization. He was … Continue reading Franco unAmerican
So maybe later, man
https://youtu.be/hVklli_N-WA If I’m grateful for one thing in Covid, it is that I don’t have to deal with inebriated neurotypical single people out in the dating world. Once, back in the day when I was still pretty wet behind the ears, I asked a guy where he went to college. The question was completely in … Continue reading So maybe later, man
I heard you all the way from here
https://youtu.be/sHGe5L_Ovms It’s 64 degrees outside today and, if you were here in my room, you’d think it was Mardi Gras. Regular people celebrate with noise. Being boisterous is valued amongst certain people. It is a valued quality for them. For me, that kind of noise hurts. I know they are happy. I am happy for … Continue reading I heard you all the way from here
Electric love
https://youtu.be/RYr96YYEaZY I ripped my heart into shreds and swore I’d never love again. Only I’d made confetti and streamers for future celebrations. The pieces are smaller but they’re are infinitely more shareable. I don’t love just one man. I love many. On an average day I might talk to three past romantic interests. They’re still … Continue reading Electric love
Lady Stardust
It’s a Ziggy Stardust kind of day. My favorite people in the world are authentically weird. I think they’ve all made me wince at some point with their weirdness. It wasn’t anything wrong with them. I was wincing at the parts of me that were uncomfortable for me to deal with at the time. Knowing … Continue reading Lady Stardust
Yo te quiero tanto
https://youtu.be/sIM4mDQJib4 Taking care of myself like it’s my job. Tonight I made green pozole: On weekends, I like to make big batches of flavor rich ingredients that I can then use throughout the month. I’ll caramelize a giant pot full of onions over the course of an hour until they barely cover the bottom of … Continue reading Yo te quiero tanto
The rite of spring
Depression isn’t how they paint it. It comes and goes like the tide, lulling you with gently sloped beaches and then inundating you. It invites you in. You feel the warmth on your shoulders. The breeze on the tiny hairs of your forearms. Seagulls echoing somewhere nearby. You want to cry because things are so … Continue reading The rite of spring
Morning has broken
https://youtu.be/uZAsfB1Np-8 Some mornings I wake up to pain. Of stretchy ligaments pressed too long in one position. Achey ribs, bent ankles and wrists. And cortisol pangs that cause muscles to contract. Those mornings are sudden awakenings that tip over into consciousness as dreams get more intense. The noise outside my window is so abrasive that … Continue reading Morning has broken
Nada te turbe, nada te espante
Acuérdate de esta noche. Del hueco que aparece cuando pongas tu autoestima en las manos de otros. Acuérdate del sentido de debilidad. Del peso de la soledad arriba de tus pulmones hasta que casi no puedes respirar.Va pasar la noche y el sentimiento de incapacidad. Acuérdate que nadie te ayudó llegar a este punto. Es … Continue reading Nada te turbe, nada te espante
Qué difícil tratar de olvidarte
https://youtu.be/RHVepsjvVfY Nothing like heartache to bring out the Mexican in me. I am my father’s daughter. This song is about the last meeting of two lovers over a bottle of tequila. They must part before love ends. There is no pleading. No demands. Just an agreement that, should they meet in the street, they will … Continue reading Qué difícil tratar de olvidarte
Freeze frame
Spring is upon us and so is the partying. Sunday was a lunch that blew into dinner with Lee in Little Italy at a restaurant that I’d actually been to before with Emily the day I ended up getting a room at The Standard. Two people interrupted our conversation to say nice things to me. … Continue reading Freeze frame
Dopamine and me: thoughts on autism, dyslexia, social deficits
Note: I’m reading a lot today. I didn’t cite anything on this blog post but any fact that wasn’t personal came from reading a scientific article with some definitional support from Wikipedia. What interests me today: dopamine and memory recall. I’m listening to this Alec Baldwin conversation with psychiatrist Julie Holland. Amphetamines like Adderall increase … Continue reading Dopamine and me: thoughts on autism, dyslexia, social deficits
El poder de la transfiguración
Por la noche, vestida en mi armaduraPor el desafíoPor la conquista Ojos de una cazadoraVoz baja y mesuradaRespiración constante y resuelta Yo soy la tigresaSoltada de los barrotesLista para atacar Pero por la mañanaCuando todo es nuevoMi corazón se despierta tierno Mi aliento tranquiloMi voz suaveMis huesos aliviados Tus ojos negrosImpregnan los recovecos de mi … Continue reading El poder de la transfiguración
On the other side of the door
You talk in metaphorsThat pave over rough emotionsLeaving only smoothed outlinesHinting at shapes I want to eavesdrop on your soulPut a glass to your chestAnd listen to your heart The words might be wingedBut the thump beats trueIt tells me things even you don’t know
Somewhere between a point and a line
Fractals are about the complex dimensions that lie between the dimensions we acknowledge. A point, a line, a plane, an object... I live between the dimensions in many ways. The NYC vaccine portal asks race and ethnicity questions for eligibility purposes. It’s the first form I’ve ever filled out that had the option “multiracial” on … Continue reading Somewhere between a point and a line
This is how it starts
https://youtu.be/trbwqF0d7NA 02.26.2016: The 1975 came out with their second album entitled I Love It When You Sleep For You Are So Beautiful Yet Unaware Of It and referred to as the equally hard to remember ILIWYS. They didn’t know they’d set my life in motion. Five years of trying, failing, trying better, observing, growing, changing, … Continue reading This is how it starts
Happy trees: the wood wide web
So many things I did not know Someone once cut me down to a stumpI waited to decay until nothing remainedI waited in vain Trees, it turns out, keep each other alive Mycorrhizal networks, they call ‘emthey communicate through sugar-fed fungiThey warn of danger They send messages on the airBy way of pheromones and other … Continue reading Happy trees: the wood wide web
Stuck in my brain: memory, failure and paradigm shifts
Yesterday I wrote about creative breakthroughs coming from unexpected places. Artists and scientists who get stuck in a dead end have learned to reverse engineer creative solutions. Today, while sick in bed, I meandered down internet paths and came upon more fun stuff, completely without meaning to. Or, maybe it was intuition. Who knows? In … Continue reading Stuck in my brain: memory, failure and paradigm shifts
Random shocks: local optimums and getting unstuck
https://youtu.be/YLp2cW7ICCU It’s a snow day. And I was feeling stuck...until I saw Matty Healy’s Instagram stories that included Brian Eno’s deck of Oblique Strategies: https://videopress.com/v/F2Lfcji0?preloadContent=metadata The cards Here’s a podcast that describes the deck and Brian’s Eno’s philosophy of inserting shocks to spark creativity: Here’s the link. It talks about computer algorithms and the concept … Continue reading Random shocks: local optimums and getting unstuck
Intuition: what almost killed the cat and what’s bringing her back
https://youtu.be/liQB7ZycEOg Intuition is a funny thing. You’d think it would make life easier, but it’s not always the case. I remember being little and getting annoyed when my mother could guess what the actors on TV were going to say or a plot twist before it happened. What a party pooper! I do the same … Continue reading Intuition: what almost killed the cat and what’s bringing her back
Here am I encased inside a hollow shell
https://youtu.be/H--_-gPX3Nw February 12th. A year to the day since I broke up with J. I didn’t even flinch. Or look back. I patched things up...at least enough so that he sent me a YouTube video the other night about Zipf’s Law. It was interesting. And very apropos to stuff I’ve been thinking about. A year. … Continue reading Here am I encased inside a hollow shell
The mean reds
There are good days and bad days and in-between days. Lots of days. And there there are days like today, when I am reacquainted with the feeling of what it was like when I would go off the rails. Therapy taught me to distinguish between what is real and which are the thoughts that do … Continue reading The mean reds
Return to The Standard, 2021
I summoned youOn the 17th floorA vertical time machineAn invocation Bare feetOn a tiled floorGrounded, mid airA meditation Good water pressureAnd a Beethoven scoreFluffy white towelsAn incantation Wake up to snowRenewed, restoredI push the down buttonA one night staycation
It is a good night for ghosts
I woke up to a blizzard this morning. My first ever. Until you've lived in snow, you don't know how quiet it can be. A rainstorm sounds like a carwash. I come from the land of desert monsoons: swells of energy that gather after blistering days. The barometric pressure drops so sharply that the beast … Continue reading It is a good night for ghosts
The forum
The search for sentient life, if I may call it that, is the result of connection so real and so rewarding that I’ve become more hungry for it rather than less. If we exist, then there must be others. And we might go our whole lives never knowing one another but for circumstances that seem, … Continue reading The forum
Moon shots: thoughts from the salon on Marcus Garvey
Last night Maddie and I discussed the planned improvements to the Port Authority bus station in Times Square. I went on a bit of a rant. Basically that the Greatest Generation had gone from abject poverty of the Great Depression to relative stable middle class of the post-war economic boom in the span of a … Continue reading Moon shots: thoughts from the salon on Marcus Garvey
Salon
Note: this is an entry from winter 2020. The awful person I talk about tuned out to be awful but I didn’t want to post this because she was dating Mikey and he really wanted me to like her. They broke up for all the reasons I knew they would, but you don’t come between … Continue reading Salon
Brooks Brothers Date Rapists: the obligatory Promising Young Woman post
It's fabulous. Dangerous Liaisons level fabulous. Count of Monte Cristo level fabulous. Everyone should have to watch it. If you're a woman and you haven't been date raped yourself, you've come close to it or you know someone who has. These things don't happen in a vacuum. People know. But why ruin a man's life … Continue reading Brooks Brothers Date Rapists: the obligatory Promising Young Woman post
A case of the Mondays
January is a liarHe comes to tell me things have begun anewAnd I am to start over freshOn a clean sheet of paper in a new college ruled notebook With a brand new felt tipped pen But December did not endHe was merely truncatedHis burdens didn’t fall off a cliffThey did not dissolve in acidThey … Continue reading A case of the Mondays
1.20.2009: A new hope
Look, I told you guys a million times, I ain’t no grasshopper
Passing for white/masking as neurotypical is like being a cricket who looks a lot like a grasshopper to other grasshoppers in a grasshopper-dominated society. They take you in as one of your own and tell you that you fit right in. They tell you that you’re so good at grasshoppering that you couldn’t possibly be … Continue reading Look, I told you guys a million times, I ain’t no grasshopper
You’re my best friend
I got to thinking while the kettle boiled just now: There was a guy named Brandon, years ago in Tucson, whom I really really liked. From the word “go” we could riff. Just good vibes all around. We spent hours and hours every day talking and making each other laugh. And then we’d go out … Continue reading You’re my best friend
Geography
When we were youngAnd a twin bed was more than enough to shareBut we ordered a pizza eachAnd your arm fell asleep under my neckBut you didn’t shift or stirAnd my right hand rested on your hip boneJust to assure me that you were real You wore my pajama pants to classAnd I your Groovie … Continue reading Geography
Nevermore
What do dolphins plan for?Not the right bag that will carry the wallet, the keys, the hand sanitizerOr the train that sometimes comes lateOr which end of the block to cross at Do elephants worry about shrinking sweaters in the dryerOr the missing sock that is never found? Do crows count calories in anticipationOf bathing … Continue reading Nevermore
Hell is other people’s children
I almost exclusively socialize with people who don’t want to have kids. It goes beyond that. They think kids and babies are repulsive. They say they will never have them. And these are some very smart people who are not swayed by popular opinion. This wasn’t always the case. My 20’s and 30’s were spent … Continue reading Hell is other people’s children
Capitol hijinks and performative outrage
What a week, huh?Was I surprised that rioters stormed the Capitol? No. Not even a little bit. When the first person mentioned it to me, I was honestly unimpressed. Of course they did. This is the world we live in. That isn't cynicism. We've been stoking hate in this country since the first white man … Continue reading Capitol hijinks and performative outrage
Threatening the life it belongs to
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2yiphu8Ff8 I'm watching the Fran Liebowitz series on Netflix and my brain is on fire. I agree with 99% of what she says (but disagree when it comes to the majesty of athletes). She talks about talent. You have it or you don't. People who aspire to be talented are misguided. I've always known I … Continue reading Threatening the life it belongs to
The future: The U.S. Capitol on its 200th birthday
Touchstone
When I begin to doubt myself And everything I feel And everything I’ve ever believed to be true It is because so many before Told me that so much of what I felt or knew Wasn’t real I learned to trust others and give their perceptions the benefit of the doubt Some truths are relative … Continue reading Touchstone
There she goes again
https://youtu.be/-CCfIJgVM6M I made my 2021 list and got it in before the stroke of midnight on FB but I’ll repost here: Before I forget, the wishlist for 2021. It’s a long one. But it won’t hurt to ask. • I want to figure out a brand that I can market my work under, or at … Continue reading There she goes again
Because the night: Punk, jokes and a little frightened girl
https://youtu.be/6OjW1TDANxk Note: this is one of those late Gen Xer’s lamentations of growing up in the pre-Internet days. I beg thee, dear reader, forgive the sanctimony and predictability in advance. I shan’t harp on the “back in my day” aspects. In 1992, I was a 12-year old girl who lived in a tiny border town, … Continue reading Because the night: Punk, jokes and a little frightened girl
Pet peeves
A list of pet peeves in no particular order: From Facebook And a pet peeve of Bette Middler’s that led to good.
2020: a story in song
https://www.instagram.com/tv/CJZ2DaLF_4x/?igshid=1xm004k0mdrmp A story compiled from the life I lived this year and the lessons I learned.
Instagram highlights: 2020
I began documenting my life in a new way this year. Lots of people use Instagram. But this is how I use it: Tucson Part 1 Tucson Part 2 Tucson Part 3 One Minute Lectures Abuelita Pocha Summer 2020 Fall 2020
What’s the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom?
https://youtu.be/vSOLz1YBFG0 Lipstick. I’m known at this point for wearing lipstick. It’s like a calling card. Before Covid, I wore liquid lipstick and regular lipstick but masks have made it so I only go out in industrial strength liquid lipstick that won’t come off for 24 hours...mostly. It’s potent stuff. There are three lipstick moments that … Continue reading What’s the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom?
Hillary/Hilaria: what’s in a name?
I grew up a white-appearing girl in American border town with an American mother of Mexican ancestry and a Mexican father who’d immigrated to the US at the age of five. We lived two miles from Mexico and I could see the lights of our sister town on the Mexican side from my house at … Continue reading Hillary/Hilaria: what’s in a name?
If you make sure you’re connected, the writing’s on the wall
https://youtu.be/WoESSG6iSAI Tl; dr: I went to a fun party. But this isn’t about the party. It’s about how I interact with the world. I’m never not wearing my journalist Fedora with the paper sign tucked into the band that says “PRESS.” If I could ever have both feet in any single present experience, I wouldn’t … Continue reading If you make sure you’re connected, the writing’s on the wall
Thoughts about James Burke while watching You’ve Got Mail
I don't think it's a coincidence that Jeff Bezos is the uberfurher of the current age. He made his bones off of discounting books. Books cost money because it takes a lot of work to make them. Ever tried to write a book? It's a life's devotion. And then someone has to edit it. These … Continue reading Thoughts about James Burke while watching You’ve Got Mail
Take it slow: how to make real friends when you’re autistic
I am impatient in new friendships because I don’t know if the person is of their word yet or if they are like most people who say they will do things and never do what they say. Same reason I hated group projects; I’d end up taking on way more burdens than I should have … Continue reading Take it slow: how to make real friends when you’re autistic
But all I can see is red, red, red…(pt. 2)
Part one here. I have a disability. And it is so fundamental that it expresses itself in a myriad of ways. I say autism and people think social awkwardness and counting toothpicks. But on a daily basis it is me remembering to close the refrigerator and not dropping things and having my hands free when … Continue reading But all I can see is red, red, red…(pt. 2)
2020: an Earth odyssey
2020 is the year of the caretaker. Anyone who works in the direct service of others. Doctors and nurses and medical staff yeah, but teachers and checkers, bus drivers and janitors too. Babysitters and hospice workers. Airline stewards and hotel clerks. And good public officials. And restaurant workers. And stay-at-home parents. And social workers and … Continue reading 2020: an Earth odyssey
Baby, you can drive my car
https://youtu.be/kfSQkZuIx84 So sue me, I'm on a Beatles kick.Three times I went to the Hertz rental car place off of Eastern Parkway this year. And none of them were for me, but for Tyler who wanted to rent a car to drive cross country during the pandemic. He'd turned 25 and he could legally rent … Continue reading Baby, you can drive my car
Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery: Christi Smythe and Martin Shekreli and the world of conformity
https://youtu.be/mJag19WoAe0 Ew. She fell for a negging beta male. Another reporter went on a Tinder date with him just to write about it. He liked the attention. She liked getting a byline and some noteriety for having done it. The mutual selfishness was palpable. I saw him on Tinder in NYC in 2018. I swiped … Continue reading Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery: Christi Smythe and Martin Shekreli and the world of conformity
I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose*
*The irony of discussing autism and mental illness with a song featuring Sia is not lost on me. She’s persona non grata in the autism world for her video about autism, her association with Autism Speaks, and her comments to the autistic community after they voiced they concerns. The whole point is that I am … Continue reading I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose*
Snowflake: Odyssey storytelling
https://youtu.be/Ucm7go7vGyM Phil Gordon reached out to me to invite me to tell a story for The Odyssey in Tucson for December’s Snowflake show. I didn’t know he would say such nice things about me. Telling stories over zoom will never take the place of standing on a stage in front of a live audience. But … Continue reading Snowflake: Odyssey storytelling
Strong is only part of the title
https://youtu.be/DC4_nAyevKE Some songs just come when they’re needed. Never before had I heard this song until today but it was what I needed to hear. Andy Shauf is one of the musicians that got me through this year. Winter is coming in through the closed doorsI have been waiting for thisSummer will go and will … Continue reading Strong is only part of the title
You’ve gotta open up your eyes to see
https://youtu.be/HPnMHRvqgcM Snakes shed skin when they outgrow it. But the process of shedding also helps to remove harmful parasites. I have shed my exterior many times. And with it, people I could not take into the future. My boundaries are strong. I don’t remember building them. But in this current incarnation, my intuition is the … Continue reading You’ve gotta open up your eyes to see
Where have all the cowboys gone?
https://youtu.be/bUmKUWzbDxg I haven’t unpacked this yet, but I can’t stand a whiny man. Yes, everyone gets to be vulnerable. Everyone gets to fall down. But whenever I hear a man “woe is me” I lose all respect. Back in the bad times, on my honeymoon, the ex whined the whole time and it led to … Continue reading Where have all the cowboys gone?
Here to face the fortune and the bile
https://youtu.be/Rhcy77BGjww City life told in the contents of a purse: The purse I stole from my sister Andrea in 1996. It has mother of pearl buttons and seed beads in white, orange and maroon. The black fabric has faded and begun to tear but I still love wearing it because it is the perfect size … Continue reading Here to face the fortune and the bile
Maneater
https://youtu.be/yRYFKcMa_Ek Yesterday was not a day. It was a day and a half packed into 24 hours. Too much to retell in full, so I’ll limit it to a single comment. While being pinned to a table by my acupuncturist, I mentioned that I was a Gemini, Scorpio rising with my moon in Pisces. Veronica … Continue reading Maneater
He’s been pretty much yellow and I’ve been pretty much blue (pt. 1)
Thanks to Fiona Apple who gives me words when I don’t have them or the courage to say the ones I really do feel. https://youtu.be/0nmODDYJjHI I don't understand about complementary colorsAnd what they saySide by side they both get brightTogether they both get gray But he's been pretty much yellowAnd I've been kinda blueBut all … Continue reading He’s been pretty much yellow and I’ve been pretty much blue (pt. 1)
So many allies, so many allies
https://youtu.be/LADUFdQveIM How you love them in the evening, when they hold your hand in crosswalks. When you both start talking at the same time because there’s so much to be said that you’ve never shared with anyone else and this is the one person whom you can share the big thoughts that usually lurk behind … Continue reading So many allies, so many allies
Si a una vez me olvido
In the moment, I saythis hurts;this nick at the corner of my mouththat cracked open some day recentlyin the past.It will not healand keeps cracking anewand I keep touching it.I’m sure it will go on foreverlike the last time and the time before that.But the sensation is only feltbecause last timeand the time before thatit … Continue reading Si a una vez me olvido
Tetraptych: sketches done in ball-point pen
PART ONE:I can take care of myself but I don’t know if I could do that if I had a job. I’m proud of the life I’ve built. I was only able to do that because I survived through a horrible divorce, but one day in particular. There was a hearing. In front of a … Continue reading Tetraptych: sketches done in ball-point pen
Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older
https://youtu.be/nZBKFoeDKJo There is a condominium complex in the beachfront town of San Carlos. The exteriors are white stucco with rod iron stairs leading to the second floor and curved terracotta tile topped porches. Inside are glazed terracotta floors and tile countertops, dark wood accents, built in couches, and outdoor sitting areas with views of the … Continue reading Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older
Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
https://youtu.be/gxEPV4kolz0 There was this kid I grew up from middle school with who was whip crack smart. He was popular and a jock and nothing but trouble. The mouth on this kid both annoyed me and fascinated me. I didn’t know how he could pull quotes and references outta nowhere on the fly. Meanwhile, I … Continue reading Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
Friends in low places
I remember when ice sculptures were a sign of class. Before they became luges for sickly sweet drinks drunk by Pi Phis and Thetas. And when galas were grand. Before they became the bastion of lawyers and accountants. When you are young, you don't see the ugly. Just the gleam as it shines off the … Continue reading Friends in low places
That time I wrote the thing about the stuff
And it was only sorta funny.
That’s my daughter
https://youtu.be/B06_jlEF5R8 Between fourth and fifth grade my parents took us to Orlando to go to Disney World. I had caught bronchitis immediately before this in Huntsville, Alabama at Space Camp. Ok, soak that in. I was a privileged brat. But a sickly one, so you can relate to me as a mere mortal. Anyway, one … Continue reading That’s my daughter
Viva la vida
https://youtu.be/dvgZkm1xWPE Can you sense your destiny? I think for most people this isn’t a question they ponder. I think for some people, delusion plays a role in thinking they could be great. Just walk into any comedy club and you’ll sense the desperation. Comedy clubs being things of the non-present, just substitute Twitter and all … Continue reading Viva la vida
What’s my age again? Neurodiversity, executive functioning and time management
In typical Vene fashion, I confused the dates. The talk is tomorrow. Now I wish I realized that before I woke up at 8 a.m. to put makeup on. What talk? A talk I’ve been hired to give about my life with autism. It’s been in the works for months. I’ve had the date on … Continue reading What’s my age again? Neurodiversity, executive functioning and time management
Nothing’s gonna stop us now
https://youtu.be/3wxyN3z9PL4 Being alone is a gift. Having free time is a gift. Having access to books and great minds, likewise. This winter, my goals are: • to party less, read more, • study Chinese history, •be inspired by Neruda and Mary Oliver, • get better at writing, • take a class on a writing style … Continue reading Nothing’s gonna stop us now
The Rons and the Harrys
Maddie and I had this discussion on Wednesday after the dinner party with Mikey, Tyler and Trav. The burning question: Why did Hermione end up with Ron...the Weasliest of all Weasleys? The girl was at a school for wizards, and she a lowly Muggle. But the girl was whipcrack smart and on her shit. Surely … Continue reading The Rons and the Harrys
Apomorphine
It's not like I wasn't forewarned. I had an inside tip on this. I had eyes opened wide. A lifetime of experience. And I still tripped and fell. I can sustain myself on a diet of despair, hope, imagination, memories and delusion. I float on eddies of wind, and just when you think I'm about … Continue reading Apomorphine
What I didn’t expect from watching Season 3 of The Crown…it’s a doozy
All is good. I am safe. I am warm. I am loved. But tonight took an unexpected turn down memory lane to a time when I was not ok. I shared it with Maddie, and then got sucker punched by a show I wasn't expecting to have anything like a personal connection to me. I … Continue reading What I didn’t expect from watching Season 3 of The Crown…it’s a doozy
I will possess your heart
https://youtu.be/pq-yP7mb8UE One day soon into the fall semester of second grade, in the backseat of her mother's car on the way home from school, Tory told me that she was going to have my cousin Denise over to her house. Something clicked inside of me and I quietly seethed in rage with jealousy. I was … Continue reading I will possess your heart
Harder, better, faster, stronger
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yydNF8tuVmU 2020, amirite? But honestly, what has it all been for? Maddie and I pondered this question til almost 3 in the morning while sitting on floor cushions in my room. First we watched Moonstruck and ate chicken McNuggets. And then we got all pondery. This year for me hasn't been about new relationships. I … Continue reading Harder, better, faster, stronger
Studio 54 exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum
I edited together some of the video and photos I got at the museum exhibit I attended last Friday. I needed to practice editing. It’s not a big deal. It was such a fun event to go to! The whole thing was dark and lit up disco style. They had music playing throughout and people … Continue reading Studio 54 exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum
Election night, 2020
I've just been in my room all day, well since 5 a.m. when I went to bed, and oatmeal cooking and coconut water drinking to recover from the night. Last night was so good. Yeah, we got the election results and car speakers were blasting "Fuck Donald Trump" but Crown Heights nights have been especially … Continue reading Election night, 2020
Nogales, Arizona: The myth of the monolith Latino voter dispelled in microcosm
Let me tell you about how complex the “Latino” vote is in Nogales. Prior to the 1980’s, Santa Cruz County was the most stable democratic county in the state of Arizona. The demographics skewed highly in favor of established families who’d lived along the border for generations. The voting population was mostly middle class Greatest … Continue reading Nogales, Arizona: The myth of the monolith Latino voter dispelled in microcosm
Mexico lindo y querido: Day of The Dead (Día de los muertos)
https://youtu.be/g9N1BUV8d40 (2017)I miss Día De Los Muertos in Tucson. I used to make own headbands. It was an important part of my life in my 30’s. My grandmother used to clean the graves of loved ones in Nogales, Arizona during this time of year. It wasn’t a concocted affair. It was very authentic to who … Continue reading Mexico lindo y querido: Day of The Dead (Día de los muertos)
Think of me what you will, I’ve got a little space to fill
https://youtu.be/9TlBTPITo1I I actually do have an idea for a screenplay that I think could work. I don’t know how other writers get their ideas, but mine come from replaying conversations in my head, sifting through the details of someone’s life from what they’ve told me, consciously or subconsciously, and then expanding into fantasy. Even before … Continue reading Think of me what you will, I’ve got a little space to fill
In times when we don’t know
https://youtu.be/ARAJrxDiasY I finished The Queen’s Gambit. I loved it. I don’t know about chess, but it was engaging. I didn’t sleep well last night. Nothing happened to make me lose sleep. I just couldn’t, even medicated. In the morning, feeling the old cortisol surge through my body from the physical stress, I opened my laptop … Continue reading In times when we don’t know
Killer Queen: The Queen’s Gambit and the price of genius
https://youtu.be/2ZBtPf7FOoM When Anne of Green Gables was young, more than anything, she wanted three things: to find kindred, to beat Gilbert Blythe, and for her vibrant red hair to mellow into a more refined Auburn. One of the major themes in this series I’m watching is the isolation that genius brings—the burden that must come … Continue reading Killer Queen: The Queen’s Gambit and the price of genius
How do you talk to an angel…of doom?
https://youtu.be/csATriX8Ed0 This is the worst song ever manufactured for a fake band to sing for a spin off of Melrose Place. And one of the myriad of moments where I knew I was in the wrong crowd was when I had to work out to this song at cheer camp and the instructor said it … Continue reading How do you talk to an angel…of doom?
Tyler: in pictures
So Ty is coming out with a new album and we’ve been talking about image. It’s not pertinent to him as an artist. It’s pertinent to him as a product for mass consumption. How he packages himself. So I critiqued his photos for him. I can’t take him seriously. He’s a 25-year old curmudgeon. A … Continue reading Tyler: in pictures
I’m not the man they think I am at home
https://youtu.be/DtVBCG6ThDk Miki (otherwise known as the Observant Israeli) came over today and we just hung out for seven hours. We used to...em... but today were just talking and drinking tea. Tomorrow’s his birthday. He came over agitated, but like most boys who hang out in my room for hours on end, he left happy. And … Continue reading I’m not the man they think I am at home
A second thought
Weekday mornings bring about clarity and vulnerability. I am too honest. And there is a beast inside me that roars. She is protecting me as I come out of my nightly metamorphosis while my new wings are still too wet to fly. It’s why I don’t talk to people in the morning. If they set … Continue reading A second thought
